I LOST MYSELF. AND I'M SO STRESSED. OH PLEASE, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

is this a mistake that i'm making ? everything just seems to crumble down on me. i got this feeling that i am positively over thinking and this is killing me. but i can't seem to control my own thought, this is torturing. i wish i could escape from this, here where i am so deeply in love and nothing much i can do. i wish i could pick myself up because i can't see anyone else to help me. something i will not understand. and i swear he is the only thing i put this much effort and time on. and every time i recall the words i have thrown, i will be just like stunned. like how come? this is too much but it looks like i am just standing here to see how much more i can take. will i ever give up ?

it's like when you start ignoring all these things is when the miracle happens. miracle may not talk about an absolute change, it may not talk about how things suddenly turn into what you just imagine and how you wish it was. but honestly, it's about how you see these and be grateful for that as the best thing that ever happened to you. things may not change forever, but being grateful for whatever you have is a miracle. i may not have as much courage but i'm just hoping that oneday i'll be grateful for this and let God's will be done not mine. i'm not the owner of myself. sometimes, well most of the times i feel like probably it will be much better to live alone so i don't need to care about what others gonna think about me, about how i look, about what i wear, so i don't live up to their expectation and just think about myself and focus on myself. i think that way most of the time in my life how things would be easier without thinking about anything else except yourself and make yourself happy in the end. but then i think all over again. you can't live without others, you can't live with only yourself. that is a shame. if i put myself in a worse condition than what i'm going through right now, i probably will not have anything to live for. i can't imagine how am i gonna handle that if i'm not even able to handle this little thing. i am so proud of them and i feel like a loser because i can't handle myself. i don't need things to change, all i want is myself to change to be grateful. that's all i need i guess , God. others may not accept me, even those who i love but the truth is You're alone are faithful.

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i feel empty. i feel unhappy even when my surrounding seems to be fabulous. am i thinking too much ? or is this what i'm really feeling ? i have noone . trust me noone . i don't know what i need. i have no idea whether i need someone or home or whatever. i just feel like crying most of the times. i have heaps of things going on my mind. my study, my friendship, my family, and yeah my relationship. why does this have to be so complicated? i can't handle it. im trying to make things the way how it was used to be. im feeling the weight of all these on my shoulder and its killing me. i guess i've seen enough. i can only talk to you really. im losing the spirit in me. trust me im trying so hard. so hard.

okay im not gonna waste anymore time left, bye.

i promise myself that from today onwards, i will not give my ego even the slightest chance possible to ruin what we have built so far, it will not be worth it at all.

i am truly sorry for all of my stupidity and egoism that have controlled me lately and ended up making you sad.

it was killing me even more to knew that you were hurt because of what i said.

seandainya aja , gag ada jarak diantara kita. pastinya pertengkaran ini gag akan terjadi. semua karna situasi dan jarak. jarak yang buat semuanya jadi tampak mencurigakan dan bersalah. dan jarak yang buat hampir segala sesuatu yang saya lakukan itu bersalah dan mencurigakan. andaikan aja kamu disini, kamu tau setiap langkah yang saya jalanin dan segala gerak gerik saya, kamu tau saya juga bukan main main tapi saya mengejar cita cita dan harapan orang terhadap saya. saya juga susah karna situasi, saya gag suka dituduh karna itu bukan kesalahan saya. rasanya uda cukup banyak tuduhan yang gag seharusnya ditujukan ke saya. dan sejujurnya saya capek aja, lelah aja sama semuanya itu.

this is not necessary at all .

bantingin kepala dan handphone, seems to be the best thing to do right now.

For everything there is a season. When you finally found the one, you are given a wrong situation and circumstances. When you finally made up your mind, once again things go wrong and all these efforts seem to not go together. Why? For everything there is a season.

Learning how to survive in a wrong situation, learning how to get things right when actually there is nothing much we can do about it.

Why?

Everything seems to fall together at once, i have no clue whether this is better or my nightmare is just turning to a bitter reality in life. Or maybe, just maybe things fall to the right place which is unknown for me. Place where i don't belong to, place where is strange for me. Could it be that i am going there?

But why?

Is this one of those stages in life that you must go through to finally arrive at your own death?

Because it is very clear for me that i never choose to be on this pathway, to be in this journey.

But i am just being set to.

......For everything there is a season....