lessons learned :)

A VERY-LATE POST BUT ..

13th June 2011 - 15th June 2012

thanks a lot , H .

mom's birthday and aquanova

Hi everyone,

so random post today. yesterday, 15th of August was my mom's birthday. i was quite sad that i couldn't be there with her. but all my prayers, thoughts, and wishes went to her! she told me that she was quite happy that my brother, William bought her some pieces of cake. hahaha. wish i was there. anyway, i knew that she got a great feeling for her birthday this year.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONCE AGAIN MOM. I REALLY LOVE YOU. and i'm still working on my future, before i get to make you happy and travel with you all over the world. :D

owh, this is thursday and of course tonight is GIRLS NIGHT OUT. so me, Mardiani, Steffy, Priscilla, and Gracia are going to Aquanova once again. Well, just to enjoy some good live music and cocktails ;)

photos will be up soon.

alright, i'm gonna get ready and dress-up. i'll post the story and all the photos asap.

love you guys xx

enjoyed the reality

hello beautiful people !
so, yup sorry for neglecting this lovely blog for quite awhile. its all because i've been really enjoying my REALITY. thank God FINALLY. hahaha.
yeah, the past 3 weeks was awesome. i had so much fun, i began to know how living life to the fullest really is. i have been working out which is pretty strange cos i am lazy ass girl. i don't really care about my body till the last 3 weeks. :D
and yeah . i had great food, i had so much fun. not to forget to mention about me and my other 3 girlfriends celebrating the national day of Singapore together. we had some great dinner, by the river, accompanied by the firework. we then headed off to a really cool pub nearby which really blew my mind. we enjoyed some really cool live music, and some cocktails ;)
for once in my life, i knew how to enjoy Singapore. hahaha.

here are some photos we took that i wanna share with you guys

i had loads of story to share though. you know what guys ? i really have this urge to visit US someday. no idea why, but i just do. well, i keep on praying everyday, hopefully i can have the chance to visit there. *fingercross*
what else, what else.. oh ! i have been regularly joining the dance rehearsal in my youth community which is a real dream-came-true for me :D now i don't have to get bored every sunday anymore. hahaha.
and yeah, i have also been joining to cell group in my youth community. so MANY great things happening to me. and all i can be is just GRATEFUL.
alright, guess that's all for now. i'll always update this lovely blog of mine. *promise* ^^

somebody that i used to know

now and then i think of when we were together

like when you told me you felt so happy you could die

i told myself that you were right for me

but felt so lonely in your company

but that was love and its an ache i still remember

you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness

like resignation to the end, always the end

so when we found that we couldn't make sense

well you said that we would still be friends

but i'll admit that i was glad it was over

but you didn't have to cut me off

make it like it never happened and that we were nothing

i don't even need your love

but you treat me like a stranger and it feel so rough

no, you didn't have to stoop so low

have you friends collect your records

and then change your number

guess that i don't need that tough

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now and then i think of all the times you screwed me over

had me believing it was always something that i'd done

but i don't wanna live that way

reading into every word you say

you said that you could let it go

and i wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that i used to know

living up your dream

hello guys i'm here today ! :D
i wanna share something really meaningful to me. umm, how shall i start this. so, let me tell you something.
being here in Singapore was always been my dream since i was in primary school i think. my parents have brought me here countless time since i was a kid. so basically Singapore is like my second home.
effort that i have made in order to living up my dream was totally a lot. i did a lot. i was so overwhelmed in the thought that i need to get an IELTS of 6, and it was pretty out of reach for me that time because my english was below the standard i would say. but you know what, i did pretty much anything i could do to really practice my language, my grammar, my vocabulary, my speaking and all that. i joined chatting room, i listening to loads of musics, i started to watch movie without any subtitle, and i tried to speak in english with my best friends. well, it seems easy, but trust me with the thought of moving to Singapore overwhelmed you, it was 100 times harder. hahaha
so yeah, i joined the IELTS preparation course twice a week. my dad always drove me to the course place. he always gave me support that i would never ever forget. i remember, that was on sunday morning that he woke me up for the course, i really would never forget how much support he has given to me. entering the end of my course which means entering the IELTS exam period, i was stressed. it was a big headache for me. like seriously, what i learned in my school meant nothing compared to IELTS. i was quite desperate actually. i spent loads of time practicing there, until late at night just to fulfill my dream of studying in Singapore.
to be honest, there are some reasons behind my dream of studying in Singapore. i can't really say it all here. but the thing is that, i am responsible for my parents. i meant, they depend a lot on me. not that i am unhappy because of that, but the burden is just too heavy for me. i must be succeed, well i NEED to be succeed. if not for me, at least for my parents. at least for my dad, who already spent a lot on me. i guess this is the only thing i can do to make them proud of me.
so i went for the exam, as usual, it was my dad supporting me in the car. he said that i am capable of doing this, and i trusted him. i went for the exam confidently, of course with the guide of Jesus. then there came the day of the result announcement. and praise God, i exactly got 6 for my IELTS, just enough to get into my dream university, James Cook University. i was grateful, i was joyful. for everything that God has done to me, everything that my parents has given to me. i am grateful.
so, that was basically one of the worst times in my life in which i had to sacrifice a lot. the next story i wanna share is probably the worst of all.
so, this happened to me like 3 to 4 months ago. i had allergy, and this is pretty bad. i have been suffering for pretty much my whole life. but i have made this part of me, so yeah i am not perfect. so around 3 to 4 months ago, it got worse and worse until it reached the peak point. it was the worst time of my life. you know what happened. everyday i wake up in the morning, standing in front of the mirror and just crying myself. everyday, i am crying myself to sleep. everyday i am ruminating. i wanted to die you know. i got nothing left, my burden is too heavy. i was thinking of suicide, cos i was really at the edge of my life. you know, that morning i cried, i decided to skip my morning class. but again, i stared at myself. and this little voice came into me " look at you, you are sick, you are not perfect. but look at you, you are here in Singapore living up your dream living up your parents dream. look at you, you have eyes you have brain and mostly you have the heart like Jesus. are you sure you want to give up right now ?". i was stunned, i looked at myself, i looked at how much pain i have been through, how much suffer i have been through. and i tell myself " sure, this is just another pain to go through, i wont die anyway". so, i wiped my tears away, and i went to class. with the pain and aches all over my body still i went.
a lot of times, i feel that i really am alone in this world. that is only because i was far from God. i won't forget the day the night i spent on crying on my pain and burden and stress and heartache.
i am strong because of God, he promised me he wont give anything i cant handle and im quite honored that he trusts me this far. i won't give up. i've been through worse. and see i survive.

" i came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. i came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise. to FLY"
i would never be able to do this without you God. to You be the glory !

hi guys, i know i know.. i've been so irresponsible about my blog. and i'm truly sorry for that, even though i'm not very sure that there is any soul reading my blog. LOL. so, what's been happening to me ? actually, a lot has been happening to my life. i'm pretty sure that this is just the time for me to make some changes in my life. i meant, huge change. i don't know. to be very frank, i have no idea what is going on in my life. i meant, see. i have made a lot of error in my life like literally. looking at my past, i know that i was not so serious and i was just trying to have fun, trying to live my life to the fullest just like anyone else of my age. but then i remembered that i got to one point in my life where i realized that i had to change, if not for me, for those whom i love. yes, i remember that night, when i let go of my past, my lonely pathetic life. see, i'm not perfect, at all. i've got flaws and weaknesses and i guessed i was just trying to grab attention, in which i could feel normal. and i was wrong. that's why i let go of my past, i let go of my error with the help of someone. someone i used to trust with my whole life, someone whom i hoped to spend my forever with, someone whom i wished to spend my not-perfect life with. let me share with you a bit of this someone..

this person was just an ordinary person, living in my heart, and meant much to me. i don't know why. from the very first time i knew him, i was captured. i felt something i've never felt. literally. something that made me feel so joyful. something that gave me hope for a better tomorrow. yes, he meant that much to me. i used to trust him, i told him everything about my past, my present, and my future because i just trusted him that much. furthermore, i told him something that i kept only to myself, something that i couldn't share with anyone else. i know, i'm just so visible to him. and without me realizing, he has taken most part of my life and my soul. and the worst part is that, i never knew that he would be the one to destroy me.
i'm so disappointed. people do change, and i knew that. i just never thought that he would be the one to crash me down. he is dead to me now. and i miss him. i really do. someone who was able to help me to have a faith for tomorrow, someone who told me not to be fearful for making an error and in fact learn from all of my mistakes, someone who encouraged me, someone who was capable of feeling how pathetic i felt. yes, i miss him. but he is dead to me now. and nothing i can do. i miss your soul, being so close to mine.
why did you leave me here alone ? you knew that i needed you, i've told you right. i've told you everything. you're such a liar for leaving me alone saying that you needed me. why did you have to go? and now my soul is missing you. we never really had that chance huh ? we never really had the chance to hold each other hand and screaming on the street like how you told me that day. i'm so disappointed by how well you promised me something so huge, yet you just died like that. you just gone. why? i'm not enough for you that you did not fight for me? why? well, i just want you to know that i really kept my promise.
guys, i've just lost someone who was so close to me probably more than anyone else. so, i am in the storm now. but i won't give up on my life. cos one thing i promised him was that i won't give up no matter how hard the situation is. trust me, i've been through a lot, and he wasn't there for me when i hit my lowest limit. anyway, i'm glad that i've been a lot stronger.
i guess i'll see you in another life .

i love the way his smile is. i love the way he eats. i love the way he laughs. i love everything about him so much that i can be in tear, knowing that i miss him so much. it hurts me like i have never been hurt before, when he left. i will never forget the way it made me feel. could see him standing right in front of me, could still see his beautiful face, but i just could not touch those fingers of him. that very moment taught me to be really strong. could not handle myself, i ran from his sight and i was overwhelmed in my tears. knowing really well that he is not gonna be around with me anymore. yes i truly hate separation. now i know how it feels to really want to see someone more than anything in this world. now i know how it feels when someone has already taken your heart for good. like when he is gone, part of you is gone, too. it is insane. and i know how it feels when you are too attached with someone mentally, you would give up anything in this life, literally anything. i can feel how real this feeling is, say that i overreact but i know that i am not forced to feel this way. not even a second gone without him staying in my mind. its funny to think of, when you finally found the one, there will always be something to break through. it definitely needs a lot of work through. feeling like i am the luckiest person in this world for having him as mine. someone who came out of nowhere, bringing you the new light in your darkness, showing you that you are worth loved just like any other, proving to you how you are really someone in his life, that is just the most incredible blessing a person could get. how come you would not give up anything for it? like every single time you see that face, you just can't forget every single wrinkle on it, you just can't forget every single curve on it, it is beautiful, he is beautiful. you are so happy that tear falls down. i love you, hermanfil.