somebody that i used to know

now and then i think of when we were together

like when you told me you felt so happy you could die

i told myself that you were right for me

but felt so lonely in your company

but that was love and its an ache i still remember

you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness

like resignation to the end, always the end

so when we found that we couldn't make sense

well you said that we would still be friends

but i'll admit that i was glad it was over

but you didn't have to cut me off

make it like it never happened and that we were nothing

i don't even need your love

but you treat me like a stranger and it feel so rough

no, you didn't have to stoop so low

have you friends collect your records

and then change your number

guess that i don't need that tough

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now and then i think of all the times you screwed me over

had me believing it was always something that i'd done

but i don't wanna live that way

reading into every word you say

you said that you could let it go

and i wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that i used to know

living up your dream

hello guys i'm here today ! :D
i wanna share something really meaningful to me. umm, how shall i start this. so, let me tell you something.
being here in Singapore was always been my dream since i was in primary school i think. my parents have brought me here countless time since i was a kid. so basically Singapore is like my second home.
effort that i have made in order to living up my dream was totally a lot. i did a lot. i was so overwhelmed in the thought that i need to get an IELTS of 6, and it was pretty out of reach for me that time because my english was below the standard i would say. but you know what, i did pretty much anything i could do to really practice my language, my grammar, my vocabulary, my speaking and all that. i joined chatting room, i listening to loads of musics, i started to watch movie without any subtitle, and i tried to speak in english with my best friends. well, it seems easy, but trust me with the thought of moving to Singapore overwhelmed you, it was 100 times harder. hahaha
so yeah, i joined the IELTS preparation course twice a week. my dad always drove me to the course place. he always gave me support that i would never ever forget. i remember, that was on sunday morning that he woke me up for the course, i really would never forget how much support he has given to me. entering the end of my course which means entering the IELTS exam period, i was stressed. it was a big headache for me. like seriously, what i learned in my school meant nothing compared to IELTS. i was quite desperate actually. i spent loads of time practicing there, until late at night just to fulfill my dream of studying in Singapore.
to be honest, there are some reasons behind my dream of studying in Singapore. i can't really say it all here. but the thing is that, i am responsible for my parents. i meant, they depend a lot on me. not that i am unhappy because of that, but the burden is just too heavy for me. i must be succeed, well i NEED to be succeed. if not for me, at least for my parents. at least for my dad, who already spent a lot on me. i guess this is the only thing i can do to make them proud of me.
so i went for the exam, as usual, it was my dad supporting me in the car. he said that i am capable of doing this, and i trusted him. i went for the exam confidently, of course with the guide of Jesus. then there came the day of the result announcement. and praise God, i exactly got 6 for my IELTS, just enough to get into my dream university, James Cook University. i was grateful, i was joyful. for everything that God has done to me, everything that my parents has given to me. i am grateful.
so, that was basically one of the worst times in my life in which i had to sacrifice a lot. the next story i wanna share is probably the worst of all.
so, this happened to me like 3 to 4 months ago. i had allergy, and this is pretty bad. i have been suffering for pretty much my whole life. but i have made this part of me, so yeah i am not perfect. so around 3 to 4 months ago, it got worse and worse until it reached the peak point. it was the worst time of my life. you know what happened. everyday i wake up in the morning, standing in front of the mirror and just crying myself. everyday, i am crying myself to sleep. everyday i am ruminating. i wanted to die you know. i got nothing left, my burden is too heavy. i was thinking of suicide, cos i was really at the edge of my life. you know, that morning i cried, i decided to skip my morning class. but again, i stared at myself. and this little voice came into me " look at you, you are sick, you are not perfect. but look at you, you are here in Singapore living up your dream living up your parents dream. look at you, you have eyes you have brain and mostly you have the heart like Jesus. are you sure you want to give up right now ?". i was stunned, i looked at myself, i looked at how much pain i have been through, how much suffer i have been through. and i tell myself " sure, this is just another pain to go through, i wont die anyway". so, i wiped my tears away, and i went to class. with the pain and aches all over my body still i went.
a lot of times, i feel that i really am alone in this world. that is only because i was far from God. i won't forget the day the night i spent on crying on my pain and burden and stress and heartache.
i am strong because of God, he promised me he wont give anything i cant handle and im quite honored that he trusts me this far. i won't give up. i've been through worse. and see i survive.

" i came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. i came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise. to FLY"
i would never be able to do this without you God. to You be the glory !

hi guys, i know i know.. i've been so irresponsible about my blog. and i'm truly sorry for that, even though i'm not very sure that there is any soul reading my blog. LOL. so, what's been happening to me ? actually, a lot has been happening to my life. i'm pretty sure that this is just the time for me to make some changes in my life. i meant, huge change. i don't know. to be very frank, i have no idea what is going on in my life. i meant, see. i have made a lot of error in my life like literally. looking at my past, i know that i was not so serious and i was just trying to have fun, trying to live my life to the fullest just like anyone else of my age. but then i remembered that i got to one point in my life where i realized that i had to change, if not for me, for those whom i love. yes, i remember that night, when i let go of my past, my lonely pathetic life. see, i'm not perfect, at all. i've got flaws and weaknesses and i guessed i was just trying to grab attention, in which i could feel normal. and i was wrong. that's why i let go of my past, i let go of my error with the help of someone. someone i used to trust with my whole life, someone whom i hoped to spend my forever with, someone whom i wished to spend my not-perfect life with. let me share with you a bit of this someone..

this person was just an ordinary person, living in my heart, and meant much to me. i don't know why. from the very first time i knew him, i was captured. i felt something i've never felt. literally. something that made me feel so joyful. something that gave me hope for a better tomorrow. yes, he meant that much to me. i used to trust him, i told him everything about my past, my present, and my future because i just trusted him that much. furthermore, i told him something that i kept only to myself, something that i couldn't share with anyone else. i know, i'm just so visible to him. and without me realizing, he has taken most part of my life and my soul. and the worst part is that, i never knew that he would be the one to destroy me.
i'm so disappointed. people do change, and i knew that. i just never thought that he would be the one to crash me down. he is dead to me now. and i miss him. i really do. someone who was able to help me to have a faith for tomorrow, someone who told me not to be fearful for making an error and in fact learn from all of my mistakes, someone who encouraged me, someone who was capable of feeling how pathetic i felt. yes, i miss him. but he is dead to me now. and nothing i can do. i miss your soul, being so close to mine.
why did you leave me here alone ? you knew that i needed you, i've told you right. i've told you everything. you're such a liar for leaving me alone saying that you needed me. why did you have to go? and now my soul is missing you. we never really had that chance huh ? we never really had the chance to hold each other hand and screaming on the street like how you told me that day. i'm so disappointed by how well you promised me something so huge, yet you just died like that. you just gone. why? i'm not enough for you that you did not fight for me? why? well, i just want you to know that i really kept my promise.
guys, i've just lost someone who was so close to me probably more than anyone else. so, i am in the storm now. but i won't give up on my life. cos one thing i promised him was that i won't give up no matter how hard the situation is. trust me, i've been through a lot, and he wasn't there for me when i hit my lowest limit. anyway, i'm glad that i've been a lot stronger.
i guess i'll see you in another life .

i love the way his smile is. i love the way he eats. i love the way he laughs. i love everything about him so much that i can be in tear, knowing that i miss him so much. it hurts me like i have never been hurt before, when he left. i will never forget the way it made me feel. could see him standing right in front of me, could still see his beautiful face, but i just could not touch those fingers of him. that very moment taught me to be really strong. could not handle myself, i ran from his sight and i was overwhelmed in my tears. knowing really well that he is not gonna be around with me anymore. yes i truly hate separation. now i know how it feels to really want to see someone more than anything in this world. now i know how it feels when someone has already taken your heart for good. like when he is gone, part of you is gone, too. it is insane. and i know how it feels when you are too attached with someone mentally, you would give up anything in this life, literally anything. i can feel how real this feeling is, say that i overreact but i know that i am not forced to feel this way. not even a second gone without him staying in my mind. its funny to think of, when you finally found the one, there will always be something to break through. it definitely needs a lot of work through. feeling like i am the luckiest person in this world for having him as mine. someone who came out of nowhere, bringing you the new light in your darkness, showing you that you are worth loved just like any other, proving to you how you are really someone in his life, that is just the most incredible blessing a person could get. how come you would not give up anything for it? like every single time you see that face, you just can't forget every single wrinkle on it, you just can't forget every single curve on it, it is beautiful, he is beautiful. you are so happy that tear falls down. i love you, hermanfil.

don't let your judgment clouds the truth because then you will miss out a chance to know the truth. the truth may be ugly but i can guarantee you that you will never regret the chance for knowing the truth itself. your judgment may not be true but you lost the chance for knowing the truth in life. so what you think may sometimes not be true. just one thing stay true to yourself. when you experience life, along the way you may not find anyone who can handle the true self of yours but do you know that at the end it is only left with you. you are only left with yourself and you're gonna be proud of yourself only, proud of the ugly self of yours because at the end of the day you realize how many mountains you have conquered and how much pain you have taken and then you realize how amazing you really are despite all the ugly truth about yourself.

God, do you know something?

i love that guy very much. and now it seems that my honesty is the reason why.

it's like you came into my life, taught me how to love for real. you made me realize that i was ready for real love and it was with you. most of all you have changed me, for good. something that i thought i would never be able to do. i have passed it through, that was all because of you. and each passing day, i fell harder and harder for you. i mean it. i let myself loss. i let both of us learn, i let both of us become one. and we both know, we both so know that it was not easy at all, and we both so know that we sacrificed a lot. like a lot. we got into a way harder situation, more than we both ever thought. and this time, we got lost in the situation, we aren't lost in love anymore, we lost in some unclear situation. what a shame. i never wanted to stop fighting for you, you know that. this time, i really let myself stand still and see how much more i can take. i am not quitting, my love. you were. would you turn your face and see how beautiful were we? are you okay for letting something so beautiful go? i don't understand.