-death is just a breathe away from life-
to start off this post, first i'm going to admit that i have never seen myself as someone who is strong enough to go through the death of my loved one. i meant, i acknowledge that someday i will go through such thing, but i have this irrational belief that i will not experience such thing in at least the next 3years. i know, it is ridiculous but oh well, that's the truth.
when i write, i never hide anything, i always write the absolute truth and of course the whole story. this is one of the places where i can be brutally honest with myself. yep. so let's start...
on 3rd of August, i was informed by my brother that my grandpa was brought into ICU. and as any normal girl who is miles away from home would feel, i was in shock. like in shock.
i was panicked, my heart dropped, my mind was promiscuous, i couldn't think of any other things except my grandpa. i am not the kind of grandchild who spend a decent amount of time with her grandpa, i am not the kind of grandchild who "cares" about her grandpa, i am not, i was not. as someone who is living miles away from my loved ones, i learned to not feel as much as i used to, cos whenever i do feel i get messed up, i get screwed over, i get knocked down. it sounds pathetic, but really whenever i go back to my hometown, i kind off detach myself at some point, because i know my place is no longer here, and i can't leave my heart here anymore or else i won't be able to function normally when i'm on my own...
so yeah. i would say i wasn't the best kind of grandchild. but let me tell you this, i always talk about my grandpa with my mom, i always talk to her about him, just about him, both the pleasant and gloomy stories, and i always ask him out to have a decent dinner the night before my departure back to Singapore. he was a good man, like purely good man. he loved to laugh, he loved to talk, sometimes about irrelevant things, he loved to ask questions, and as you may expect, most of the times he asked irrelevant questions. yet, those are my best memory of him, how he loved to bring the atmosphere up, how he tried to have conversation with his grandchild although probably deep inside him, he knew that his grandchild did not really want to talk to him.. he was just that kind of man. he was a incredibly humble man, never in my life have i seen him being anything other than a humble human being. he was patient, he had such peaceful soul.
carry on with the story.. day by day went by, i was still in Singapore, and since 3rd i couldn't function as per usual, i couldn't get my mind straight, i didn't feel the need to even be there in Singapore because all i could think of is being there for my grandpa. after discussing with my dad, he decided to let me fly off on 7th to see my grandpa, and i did. i went back home on 7th.
on 7th, i went straight away to hospital once i arrived. i got the chance to see my grandpa who had been there in ICU since 3rd. nothing could i say, nothing could i feel except this ache creeping from the bottom of my heart. tears just fell down, without me realizing, that was a very traumatic experience.
seeing someone you don't "care" whom you care about laying there, breathing heavily with the help of breathing tube, unconscious, with all the medical equipments like arterial line whatsoever.
... how are you supposed to feel
suddenly all those irrelevant questions, all the irrelevant conversations he was trying to have with me, made perfect sense. it all made sense at that moment, when i saw him in between life and death. he was just trying to make memory with me, his uncaring grandchild. yes, he was.
i held his hand, with tears fell down like a stream on my face. i whispered to his ears, i said "it's me grandpa, it's me, i just got back, i'm here now, it's me". and i remember, at the back of my mind, that his fingers moved a little bit after i said those words. and i knew, i knew for a fact that he was glad, i went back for him.
i spent days visiting hospital back and forth, till came the day. 11th, when i was at home and i received a call from my aunt. she asked every single one of us to rush into hospital at that moment, because my grandpa's condition was critical. i knew, that was just another word for death.
so, me, my mom, and my dad went to hospital right away while my brother who was away at the moment, joined us at the hospital not a while after. we arrived at the hospital perhaps around 10.01PM. we were told then, that grandpa has gone at 10.00PM straight.
while my mom and dad were talking with the nurses, asking for some clarification and stuffs, i breached into the room where my grandpa was. i can't put it into words. i can't find the words.
i saw him, there. i saw his body, i just didn't feel his soul anymore. and that made me sad, that was one heartrending moment.
i love him. i just never show him enough, because i need to detach myself. what killed me even more though, is the memory of me and him eating some cakes on the night before i went back to Singapore, that was about 1.5 months ago, and that was the very last time i saw him laughing and yes, the last time i had those irrelevant conversations with him. who knows, what i thought was silly turned out to be my last memory of being with him. just that little thing, sharing those cakes with him. just that.
although i don't show enough emotions, i have plenty of plans. i wanted to bring him over to Singapore, along with my grandma and my parents, to be there for my graduation because i want to share that accomplishment with them, my grandparents and my parents. at the very least, i feel that's the only thing i can offer to them. i have no money, i don't have my job yet, and the greatest accomplishment i could ever give right now is the completion of my course. and now, it's over. that plan, will never come to actualization..
however, it's alright.. i accept it. i accept the fact that i wasn't so good as a grandchild. frankly though, i feel forced, to be separated from him. i feel constrained, it's too fast, way too early. and again, God reminded me, this whole thing is a blessing in disguise. i didn't want him to suffer any longer, and that was exactly what God did, i believe God loves grandpa enough to not leave him suffer that way. it's a blessing in disguise, and i start to pray differently. i said i'm grateful he's gone, because he is now in the place where he deserves to be all along, right beside You.
"God, please tell grandpa that i miss him more than ever, i miss him more than i thought i would. i'm glad that he is with You now, and i'm sure You take a real good care of him up there. tell him, i can't wait for the day when i'm gonna see him again, see his laugh again, and to actually have those irrelevant conversations. let him know, how much i truly love him despite all my indifference behaviour, because frankly deep down i struggle myself. thank you so much Jesus for this experience, for this day, for this opportunity in which i am reminded again, every now and then just how precious one life is. all the praise to You Lord!"
your beloved daughter,
