the kind of night

here it comes again, the kind of night which feels a little longer than it normally is. the kind of night which got you drowned in your very own thought. the kind of night which brings you back to your very worst memory. the kind of night which causes you to ask yourself, who on earth you can truly count on. the kind of night which reminds you all about the battles you have survived, all about the pains you have endured, and all about the scars you have. the kind of night in which you begin to think about people you devoutly love in your life, about things you are willing to protect in your life, and about dreams you are not willing to let go.
when this kind of night comes, i can't really make a conclusion with regards to all the questions i ask to myself. i just can't really find the answers to them all. all i can do is write. it all comes down to two things really, two things which i can truly count on, Jesus and my blog.
i'm not exaggerating my love for this blog, but all i can say is that my blog is something like a box. a secret box. a secret box in which i put all my secrets. my stories. my days. my journeys. all in this box.
although frankly, most of the times i don't see the point in my posts. but there is something therapeutic about writing every time i write. and i like it. i like it in a way that it starts to become my beautiful escape whenever i lose myself in my wave of thoughts. so, whenever this kind of night hits me up, i will just use this opportunity to open up my box and put in one more story. i believe, there will always be one more story..

the death and its sublime consolation

-death is just a breathe away from life-
to start off this post, first i'm going to admit that i have never seen myself as someone who is strong enough to go through the death of my loved one. i meant, i acknowledge that someday i will go through such thing, but i have this irrational belief that i will not experience such thing in at least the next 3years. i know, it is ridiculous but oh well, that's the truth.
when i write, i never hide anything, i always write the absolute truth and of course the whole story. this is one of the places where i can be brutally honest with myself. yep. so let's start...
on 3rd of August, i was informed by my brother that my grandpa was brought into ICU. and as any normal girl who is miles away from home would feel, i was in shock. like in shock.
i was panicked, my heart dropped, my mind was promiscuous, i couldn't think of any other things except my grandpa. i am not the kind of grandchild who spend a decent amount of time with her grandpa, i am not the kind of grandchild who "cares" about her grandpa, i am not, i was not. as someone who is living miles away from my loved ones, i learned to not feel as much as i used to, cos whenever i do feel i get messed up, i get screwed over, i get knocked down. it sounds pathetic, but really whenever i go back to my hometown, i kind off detach myself at some point, because i know my place is no longer here, and i can't leave my heart here anymore or else i won't be able to function normally when i'm on my own...
so yeah. i would say i wasn't the best kind of grandchild. but let me tell you this, i always talk about my grandpa with my mom, i always talk to her about him, just about him, both the pleasant and gloomy stories, and i always ask him out to have a decent dinner the night before my departure back to Singapore. he was a good man, like purely good man. he loved to laugh, he loved to talk, sometimes about irrelevant things, he loved to ask questions, and as you may expect, most of the times he asked irrelevant questions. yet, those are my best memory of him, how he loved to bring the atmosphere up, how he tried to have conversation with his grandchild although probably deep inside him, he knew that his grandchild did not really want to talk to him.. he was just that kind of man. he was a incredibly humble man, never in my life have i seen him being anything other than a humble human being. he was patient, he had such peaceful soul.
carry on with the story.. day by day went by, i was still in Singapore, and since 3rd i couldn't function as per usual, i couldn't get my mind straight, i didn't feel the need to even be there in Singapore because all i could think of is being there for my grandpa. after discussing with my dad, he decided to let me fly off on 7th to see my grandpa, and i did. i went back home on 7th.
on 7th, i went straight away to hospital once i arrived. i got the chance to see my grandpa who had been there in ICU since 3rd. nothing could i say, nothing could i feel except this ache creeping from the bottom of my heart. tears just fell down, without me realizing, that was a very traumatic experience.
seeing someone you don't "care" whom you care about laying there, breathing heavily with the help of breathing tube, unconscious, with all the medical equipments like arterial line whatsoever.
... how are you supposed to feel
suddenly all those irrelevant questions, all the irrelevant conversations he was trying to have with me, made perfect sense. it all made sense at that moment, when i saw him in between life and death. he was just trying to make memory with me, his uncaring grandchild. yes, he was.
i held his hand, with tears fell down like a stream on my face. i whispered to his ears, i said "it's me grandpa, it's me, i just got back, i'm here now, it's me". and i remember, at the back of my mind, that his fingers moved a little bit after i said those words. and i knew, i knew for a fact that he was glad, i went back for him.
i spent days visiting hospital back and forth, till came the day. 11th, when i was at home and i received a call from my aunt. she asked every single one of us to rush into hospital at that moment, because my grandpa's condition was critical. i knew, that was just another word for death.
so, me, my mom, and my dad went to hospital right away while my brother who was away at the moment, joined us at the hospital not a while after. we arrived at the hospital perhaps around 10.01PM. we were told then, that grandpa has gone at 10.00PM straight.

while my mom and dad were talking with the nurses, asking for some clarification and stuffs, i breached into the room where my grandpa was. i can't put it into words. i can't find the words.
i saw him, there. i saw his body, i just didn't feel his soul anymore. and that made me sad, that was one heartrending moment.
i love him. i just never show him enough, because i need to detach myself. what killed me even more though, is the memory of me and him eating some cakes on the night before i went back to Singapore, that was about 1.5 months ago, and that was the very last time i saw him laughing and yes, the last time i had those irrelevant conversations with him. who knows, what i thought was silly turned out to be my last memory of being with him. just that little thing, sharing those cakes with him. just that.
although i don't show enough emotions, i have plenty of plans. i wanted to bring him over to Singapore, along with my grandma and my parents, to be there for my graduation because i want to share that accomplishment with them, my grandparents and my parents. at the very least, i feel that's the only thing i can offer to them. i have no money, i don't have my job yet, and the greatest accomplishment i could ever give right now is the completion of my course. and now, it's over. that plan, will never come to actualization..
however, it's alright.. i accept it. i accept the fact that i wasn't so good as a grandchild. frankly though, i feel forced, to be separated from him. i feel constrained, it's too fast, way too early. and again, God reminded me, this whole thing is a blessing in disguise. i didn't want him to suffer any longer, and that was exactly what God did, i believe God loves grandpa enough to not leave him suffer that way. it's a blessing in disguise, and i start to pray differently. i said i'm grateful he's gone, because he is now in the place where he deserves to be all along, right beside You.
"God, please tell grandpa that i miss him more than ever, i miss him more than i thought i would. i'm glad that he is with You now, and i'm sure You take a real good care of him up there. tell him, i can't wait for the day when i'm gonna see him again, see his laugh again, and to actually have those irrelevant conversations. let him know, how much i truly love him despite all my indifference behaviour, because frankly deep down i struggle myself. thank you so much Jesus for this experience, for this day, for this opportunity in which i am reminded again, every now and then just how precious one life is. all the praise to You Lord!"

your beloved daughter,

the agony of love

i guess i was wrong and perhaps i am wrong still. seemingly, i am still naive despite all that have happened.
it's just deep inside me, there is still this hope of fairy-tale ending and this belief of "love will always be enough, love will conquer everything"
what is it to believe anyway? where is it to go anyway? if everything, every single thing seems to destroy this little thing we share called love
at this very point of time, i truly wish i didn't know you that day. and most of all, i wish i didn't love you as much as i do now. you make me feel like i've got the best and worst thing in my life. how could it be? i can't even begin to figure it all out
we indeed hurt each other so much, and without a doubt we will always do. however, we indeed love each other a whole lot more than our hatred, we just so love each other even when we are apart, even when you are gone, there is no one that could make my day like you did.
i acknowledge how insane this might sound, but after everything it just comes to my realization, how much i love you even more and how i can't let you go, at all
we may share a totally opposite way of thinking, a real distinctive behaviour and if there's one thing i damn sure about is that we love hard. we really do. we used to fight for us, but i can't say just about the same now
apparently, at some level we are alike. the way we express our feeling, the way we feel, the way our souls are and the way we refuse to lose each other even when we know how much it hurts to hold on to this kind of love
there is no safety in love, there is no guarantee in love, there is only everlasting sentiment within the two souls
and to make it survives, both needs to not give up ever

"love is fragile. and we're not always its best caretakers. we just muddle through and do the best we can. and hope this fragile thing survives against all odds" - Nicholas Sparks

"They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday. But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other"

Grandma's 70th Birthday

hey peeps! i do realize i haven't posted anything for awhile so here i am back with a happy story!
yesterday, on 21st of June, i and my family celebrated my Grandma's 70th birthday. it was a lot of fun and joy to be able to gather with the whole family and had some quality time, just to catch up with each other and laugh. it's not a secret that it has been forever since the last time we all were together. so without further ado here's some of the shots i took :) well, it feels great to see everyone having a joyous time!

till the next post, xx

the very significant something in life

there comes a point in your life when you are faced with the biggest decision in your life
your destiny may be there, waiting for you to walk your feet on it.
but sometimes the most superficial thing in this world clouds our judgement more than our common sense does
and that is exactly where the deepest regret in life wins their victims the most
so this is where the options lie, between what you want to do in the course of your life and what you want to remember in your very last breathe
what do you value the most? is it your family or friends? or is it your job? maybe your wealth? could it be love? or maybe, maybe God?
i believe, everyone has their own significant something which they value the most, something to live for, something they're willing to die for
because this particular something, is the very entity they find themselves in. it is the very entity they are proud of. the presence of it, will bring just about the purest form of joy in life to them. something that is beyond their skin, beyond their heart, and it wakes something up, something deep within their soul.
the touch of it will never be forgotten, ever.
and when you have felt it, you won't see the need to even think about it for the second time
it is just something right. it is just something worth fighting for. because at the end, it is the reflection of who you truly are as a human being. what you value the most is the reflection of who you truly are.
and i want you to know, you are my reflection God. You are my very significant something, forever and ever
and if there ever comes a point when i have to choose between You or anything else, it will always be You. i don't even need to worry because You have it all. and i will live just fine, just great.

meeting WESLEY CHAN :)

i can't help myself but to blog about this. about the fact that i met WESLEY CHAN for the very first time in my life. meeting him has always been on my dream list. i would say that he is the #1 person i want to see in my life. i know, it sounds cheesy but yeah that's true.
i've always convinced myself that i will see him in the future, say 5 years from now but luck has brought me to see him today! and i thank God for that. :)
it was a lot of mess, by mess i meant i had no idea about the meet-up place he mentioned on twitter, and i was rushed as i had something on at that time, but i just let my instinct lead me this time, and that has brought me to him! YAY! i honestly feel that i am so blessed, because meeting him was not something superficial. i meant, it really taught me just how capable we are to make our dreams come true if only we're willing to go through mess, ya know.
well, i am quite sure this is not the first and last time for me meeting him, there will be another time!
thank you Wes for being such an inspiration and huge motivation! you are greatly admired!

love,

the beauty of scars

scars represent something
scars are beautiful, they are your story
build your confidence by knowing what your scars mean
the fact that you are alive after the burns is the testimony of your worth, of your destiny and of your future
the fact that you have scars is the testimony of your strength and toughness
your scars tell a story and that story encourages and inspires others

the feel of first love all over again

WHAT IS UP PEOPLE ?!?!?!
alright, that's not the appropriate way to start out my post, hahaha. i'm just so excited that finally i have the time to sit up here in front of my screen and literally type.
so when was the last time i was seen and heard? haha.. alright, let me start this post by saying "GOD is GOOD".
i would say the past 2months have been a total miracle for me. it might be predictable because yes, i have been processed all over again. constant battle. and not that i'm complaining though, God has been showing His never ending grace for me.
He literally exchanged what i have lost with something that is even better, something worthy

so, a bit of catch-up, as you guys probably don't know, the past 20th April was YOUTH NIGHT, an event held by my local youth community which gathered and invited all youth to come and celebrate the greatest love ever existed. the event was so huge, it was a part of our "1 more person for Jesus" campaign. i am so grateful that i am given the chance to serve my God, a beautiful privilege for a girl like me to bless others through my dance. i would say that the event turned out to be a total succeed, we all could really feel the presence of God that night, and i was so glad to actually be able to feel the kind of excitement which i have long lost. i could really feel the fire burning up inside my heart, and the only way to relieve and let it out was by praising God. i am so grateful for the fact that i am favoured to feel my first love all over again. the sort of feeling that i would exchange with everything i have, just for a feel of it. but i am given freely...

to be honest, the excitement of youth night is still burning inside of me, and i would do everything i could to keep it that way, it literally keeps me alive.
so many wonderful things happened to me, because i did realize back then, it would be much better to count the blessings i have been given instead of grieving towards things i have lost, things i thought was precious and worthy.. because at the end of the day, the precious and worthy thing only comes down to one, Jesus Christ.

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

"Do you know the feeling of being out of love yet still love someone? It's kind of like loving someone but not in love with them, because they are gone physically, but remain in your heart mentally and in your mind psychologically"

everlasting hope

once again, you had me escaped with Your love and just Your presence here in my heart
if this wasn't real, then what did i feel there when i was losing my hope & spirit?
because You could make it all disappear, all the helplessness and fear just in split second
You made me feel better more than anyone else could
and by this i am assured again for the thousand times of just how perfect You truly are, how magnificent and how dead wrong i am if i don't let You walk me through this life
this smile goes for You Lord
this breath goes for You
this heartbeat goes for You
this life is for You. i love you Jesus..

"if all i had was one last breath, i'd spend it just to sing You praise. if all i had was one more song to sing, i would raise a noise to make the heaven rings"

chingay parade 2013

i almost forgot to post about this till i looked through my album in my laptop and found this. on 22nd of February 2013, i and one of my colleagues named Stefanus went to this parade called Chingay. i wasn't so sure what this really was since i have never been to any parade ever. i looked it up on google, and i found out that actually this Chingay parade had been in Singapore for quite sometimes, and as for theme, this year's they went for FIRE IN THE SNOW.
the parade was amazing, the performance (dance and singing) was stunning. they even had a cooking performance (wow). whilst enjoying the show, i took some shots, hopefully you guys will enjoy it as much as i do.

till the next post

much love , xx

#1 Matthew's

this is just going to be one quick post where i share the most amazing story i have ever read in my entire life, and i will literally feel guilty if i don't share this story with you guys. just few minutes ago, here in my campus library, i was sitting neatly in this table and scrolling down through my facebook homepage while i found this story which for me personally is simply brilliant & explicitly sum up all my thoughts about relationship in a very concise way. this was written by a guy named Matthew Zachary Liu. i genuinely hope i would meet him in person someday, he's not the typical kind of guy which i can clearly see from his writings and that is exactly what is amazing about him to me. it is a long story, but it's worth it. promise me, you won't stop reading till you reach the very last line. :)

The phone rang. 

She was sobbing badly on the other end of the line.

“I’m going over,” I told her and hung up before she could protest.

1am. It was going to be a long night ahead..

She was still crying when she opened the door. She looked so broken, so vulnerable. I didn’t have to know what was wrong, I just held her in my arms. She cried even more.

“He broke up with me,” she finally said.

I just kept quiet as she let it all out.. questions, tears, anger, hurt.

“Why does love have to hurt so much?”

“No, love.. doesn’t hurt,” I said gently.

“So says the guy who’s been single forever? What would you know about love,” she jabbed.

“So says the guy who’s been your friend though Mr now-ex-#4,” I grinned. “Love doesn’t hurt you.. it’s the person that doesn’t know how to love or appreciate love that hurts you. But love never hurts,”.

“You won’t understand, Matt,” she sighed, “you’ve never been in love…”

“That’s not entirely true, you know..”

“Wait what- so who’s this girl I’ve never heard abou-“

“What did you love about #4 anyway?” I interjected.

“I don’t know… he is just perfect. And I love him so much,”

“But you don’t know what it is that you love about him?”

“It’s just.. the feeling when I’m with him. It always felt right with him. He made me feel loved and I loved him too,”

“That’s it? Just a feeling?”

“Well.. yea. What were you expecting me to say?”

“.. something more specific, maybe? I mean, if you thought he’s so ‘perfect’, why’d he still chea- erm, why’d he leave you?”

“Because I’m just not good enough for him? I don’t know..” she paused. “What is love to you then…”

“Hmm.. to me, being together or in love with someone should be more that just a feeling.. it should also be about mutual understanding, acceptance, respect, commitment and trust.”

“That’s what all couples would hope and want their relationship to be like, Matt. But expectations and reality don’t always go together..”

“Or maybe.. someone’s just not trying?”

“Well if you think love is so simple.. why haven’t you been with anyone all these years?”

“I never said love was simple.. but I guess the reason why I’ve never been with anyone yet is because.. I already know exactly what I want,”

“You have.. a checklist?”

“Sorta. It’s not the typical kinda ‘I’d like a girl with long hair, nice smile, etc’ superficial checklist though,”

“Oh. What kind of list is it then?”

“It’s like.. a concept of love. Of what it is about a girl that will make me fall completely in love with her. A concept that has more than three specific reasons that would answer any question as to why I love her.”

“You have a concept of love?” she laughed. “Love isn’t a theory, Matt.. you can’t just classify love by a concept or definition, you simply feel it with your heart..”

“But you see.. the reason why I think there are so many broken hearts, is because people merely jump into a relationship when their heart feels a certain something towards someone. But I don’t think that’s love, that’s merely an infatuation. Personally, I believe there are more than three reasons and aspects that actually determines whether we really are truly in love beyond the superficial ‘I don’t know why I love him/her.. I just do’ reason,”

“That makes sense. So what exactly is this.. ‘concept’ of yours about?” she asked, genuine curiosity replacing her initial skepticism.

“I call it the 4+1 theory. The aspects that will determine if it’s true love or just a fickle infatuation. It’s based on this idea that whenever we like someone, if we really go deeper into what is it that draws us to him or her, we’d be able to find that one specific reason. That’s not love though. That’s merely an attraction or infatuation. But when more than three of the aspects from this theory are present, you’ll be pretty sure that it’s more than just a feeling. For me personally, this determines if I’ll ever fall in love with a girl…”

Mind. Heart. Body. Soul.

The mind aspect, to put it simply, is her intellect. But I don’t mean the academic smarts.. it’s the way she thinks, processes and analyzes things way beyond a shallow self centeredness. It’s the way she puts across her thoughts, not for winning an argument’s sake, but to really try to understand or even sensibly debate opposing views that might leave anyone reflecting on her words or challenge me to think differently. It’s the way she carries herself off with an aura of sophistication and enigmatic charm and no matter how much I might think I already know her or have her figured out, she’ll still surprise me with something unexpected. Good surprise. I like intellect. Personally, it takes a little more to intrigue me and stimulate my senses. If I can connect with someone and talk endlessly about the concept of nothing, then, only then, will we be able to talk about everything else.. and I think that’s incredibly alluring,”

“Ooh.. so my best friend’s sapiosexual too,” she teased. “But what about her likes and dislikes or like her personality.. does that go under the mind aspect too?”

“Well, that’s where the heart aspect comes in. The heart represents who she is by what she values or cares about. The things she likes, the things she dislikes. What really matters to her, as well as her insecurities and fears..”

She bit her lower lip - thinking. “But what if him knowing about my past and all my insecurities scares him or drives him away? Or what if he ever uses all of these against me if someday things go bad between us?”

“Erm.. you do realize that it doesn’t really matter now because whether or not he ever knew, he already chose to leave you right? But.. if he still or ever tries to hurt you in any way, then he is a fucking bastard and I will punch his face,”. I really meant it.

“I don’t think he even cares about me anymore,” she sighed, “maybe he never really did.. we were so.. different. I don’t know why I never actually realize it before,”

“Maybe because then, you were too ‘blinded by love’ to see, or you chose to conveniently ignore the differences. Honestly though, I think it’s critical for two people to understand each other’s heart and learn to accommodate each other’s differences rather than simply turning a blind eye or deaf ear ‘because I love him and that’s all that matters’. Because if two people are too different in the way they think, behave or live.. I reckon it will become a huge problem when the infatuation bubble bursts.”

“I don’t really understand..” she said.

“Let me just ask you this.. does he know how passionate you are towards the arts and music?"

“Well, no.. not really. He’s more the sports kind of guy and doesn’t like theatre and stuff so I didn’t want him to get bored if I talked to him about things he isn’t interested in..”

“Then i’m guessing he probably also doesn’t care or know the little things about you. Like how you’re afraid of the dark and why you’re actually scared of darkness.. how family and relationships are really important to you.. that ice cream is your happy pill. You know, I’m even going to bet that he doesn’t know you go to bed every night, clutching your phone just hoping and waiting for him to text you goodnight..”

She started to tear again, but I continued..

“You see, it’s not a matter of whether it bores him or not.. it’s a matter of whether he bothers or not. I mean, if he doesn’t even know these things about you, then he really doesn’t know you at all. How then can he say he loves you?”

“But I really loved him,” she murmured softly to herself .

“I know you did. I know you still do and it’s hurting you like shit. But you need to know that for any kind of relationship to work.. two people need to give and take. Sadly, with him, it seems like you’re the one who was always giving. If he actually really loved you back as much, he’d make a greater effort to close the gap and bridge the differences between you two. He’d want to hear what you have to say, he would actually consider your opinions, your needs and your feelings. He’ll not just tell you or text you that he loves you.. he’ll show it by the things he will do or be willing to do no matter how inconvenient or silly it might be, just because.. he knows it’ll make you happier or better. To me, when it comes to a relationship, the heart aspect isn’t just a feeling or who you/he or she is anymore. It becomes two hearts beating as one. Two people wanting to understand each other.. sharing the good, the bad and possibly a future together; actually bothering and supporting each other’s feelings, values, dreams, thoughts, emotions,”

She stayed silent for a long while before she looked up, holding my gaze.. there was this unspoken tension building before she finally spoke again.

“But.. what if something that’s important to me, is not something the guy might feel same way about?"

“Then I’ll try-” I caught myself. “I mean, if I were him. I’d try. I’d make the effort.. because it’s important to you and you’re important to me,”

She remained silent again. She wasn’t crying anymore but this time, the prolonged silence was starting to grow even more deafening.

“Matt,” she finally spoke - softly, “do you believe in love at first sight?”

“No.” I said flatly.

“Oh..” she sighed. “You know what you said about mind and heart.. it’s actually starting to sink in and I’m beginning to realize that maybe these two aspects weren’t exactly a big part of my relationship with him,”

“So what made you fall in love with him then?”

“Well.. don’t laugh, but I’ve always thought that with him, it was love at first sight. I mean, there was just this spark between us from the very first time we met,”

“Cos he was hot?” I scoffed.

“No.. don’t be an idiot,” she tried to hide her smile but failed. I rolled my eyes. “Okay fine, yea maybe that. But it wasn’t the only reason!”

I raised an eyebrow.

“He was really nice too! And he was always sweet to me,“ she began her defense case. “He always made me feel happy, secure and loved without even having to try, you know?” I just continued staring at her waiting for her to go on. “Oh never mind, you’d never understand..”

“Actually.. I do. And I think I now understand what it was that made you fall in love with him.

The body aspect.

The body aspect is about physical attraction, intimacy and presence.

I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t believe you can just “instantly know” you’re in love or that someone’s THE one just by “first sight”. No offense, but I think the whole love at first sight concept is bullshit that only exists in movies and fairy tales. In reality, it isn’t love. That very first attraction.. is probably lust. Lust at first sight”.

“What nonsense! It’s not like I was lusting over him from the very first time I laid eyes on him! Maybe it’s the case for guys.. I mean, sex is always on a guy’s mind whenever he meets a girl right? But it’s different for girls, Matt..” she protested.

“Okay. You know what.. since you brought up the age-old guys and sex debate, I’ll tell you this secret to clarify something about guys for the first and last time.. probably 99% of guys are naturally sexual. If you ever meet any guy who tells you he isn’t sexual at all, it’s not that he’s gay – no, gays are even more horny .. he’s likely to be a liar and you should be more wary of him. BUT! Here’s the thing.. even though guys are sexual by nature, it isn’t always the only or most important thing to a guy,”

“Really?” now she raised her eyebrow with that annoying smirk on her face.

“Oh come on, you girls know how it is, plus you aren’t exactly saint-like innocent either.. sometimes you see a hot guy and you start fantasizing or making statements like ‘omg have my babies’..”

“That…” she started blushing.

“That.. is exactly my point. It’s the same with guys. We might talk and think about sex a lot more openly than girls but it isn’t always the only thing on our mind. When I said it’s lust at first sight.. I didn’t literally mean you want the guy naked and in bed. What I meant is the momentary attraction or desire– he might be hot, he might be charming, he might have smiled at you that made you feel a certain way.. but that’s not love. That’s really just a superficial physical attraction. Saying “I’m in love” right there and then just completely takes the special meaning out of the word ‘love’. If you ask me, I personally think the process of loving or falling in love with someone involves discovering the person and then perhaps developing feelings. It could happen quickly or over a longer period of time, but not at first sight,”

“Hmm.. that does make sense,” she paused and then her lips curled up forming that annoying smirk again. “Oh wow, this is the first time you and I are talking about sex huh..”.

“You never asked..”

“Tell me then.. what is sex to you?”

“Sex.. to me, is merely a physical act. I am not part of the whole “sex is sacred/taboo” camp but then, I don’t take sides with the whole bed hopping culture either,”

“I can’t believe you just said that sex is merely a physical act..” she began in a disappointed tone.

“But sex really is just a physical act if it’s without emotions or feelings. And that is why I distinguish between sex and making love, the same way I clearly differentiate ‘loving’ and ‘being in love’ with someone,”

“Oh.” this time, she smiled. She understood.

“Don’t get me wrong.. I think physical intimacy is very important in a relationship but for me, the one physical aspect that matters the most.. is the physical presence. That, is also what I reckon made you fall in love with him.

“Okay this, I really want to know…” she said.

“The physical presence is simply being there. You want him to be with you. You want to be there for him. Because just being there with or for each other makes your day, or you as a person, a little better. You may act or behave a little different when you’re with him, but in a good way – in a way that you actually feel completely comfortable, safe and you. Perhaps even without you knowing, you smile more and laugh harder. You feel real, genuine joy. And even on days when the smile can’t happen, you know you don’t have to pretend to be okay or be self conscious in front of him; because its perfectly okay to be the way you are and feel when you’re with him. He cares about you and you feel loved when you’re with him. Sometimes, there are no need for words or explanations.. just his presence, him being there for you, holding you.. makes you feel better or believe that it’s going to be okay again. Because you’re not just holding on to someone for attention or sympathy.. you actually feel and believe that you’re holding on to a part of or the rest of your life..”

Which leads to the fourth aspect – soul.

The soul aspect to me, is the deepest form and the final affirmation that should answer any remaining doubt or questions as to whether we’ve truly fallen in love with a person.

It’s when you start noticing but still appreciate all the other little things, even the flaws - especially the flaws. It’s when you truly know a person stripped down of all their walls, exposed to their soul and yet still accept and love him or her. It’s a level of understanding and acceptance that goes beyond the “honeymoon everything is perfect” period.

It’s when you finally realize this one person is someone you can always and want to tell everything to, and you want to ask and know everything of him or her as well. It’s when you actually want to share your life and trust your secrets with this person; and you can. This someone is the first person you think of when you’re happy, sad or when something significant happens. This same person is someone you can call at 1am in the morning and they’d drop everything to make time for you, staying by you till the sun rises or you’re better again - as you would for him or her as well. This person cares and will listen. Will really listen, giving you their undivided attention and genuine love; not necessarily every time but any time you need him or her. This one person makes your problem their problem and they go through it together with you just so you don’t have to go through the pain and tears alone,”

It was at this moment, for the very first time, she looked at me in a different way but said nothing.

“You see, the soul aspect..” I continued, “is when you start to see and want to share the rest of your life with this one other. And not in a clingy “I can’t live without you” way, but in a way that I can still live my life without you as I have before I met you, but now that you’ve come to exist in my life, I see the possibility of a life with you and now I actually want to make decisions and live a life, continuing to create more moments and memories together with you”.

“Well.. so.. have you met this one person yet? I mean, I’m sure it’s almost impossible to find that ‘perfect’ girl who fulfills all of your four aspects of love right?” she mumbled. I could barely hear her. She wasn’t even looking at me anymore.

“No, it is not impossible and I don’t think its asking for too much. You see the thing about these four aspects is, we often and will find one or two aspects in many different people. And that alone may be enough to make us attracted to them or develop a crush on them. But really, that is not love at all. If we like a person because “he’s cute” or “the way she thinks”, that’s just us liking the body and/or mind aspect of a person. The reality is, we are always going to meet many people who possess these different aspects of mind, heart, body or soul. But on a rare occasion when you do meet someone who possess all these four aspects.. you’ll almost definitely know that he or she is not one of many but may just be the one. So personally, I won’t settle for anything less unless she possess more than three qualities. You know people write the symbol of love as < 3 (less than three), I actually think love should be more than three.. I define it as 4+1. “

“So what’s plus one?” she asked, still not looking at me.

“Plus one…” I trailed off – unconsciously.

“Matt?” she placed her hand on top of mine, finally looking me in eye again.

“Plus one.. is something only the one who's meant to be will ever know and hold the answer to”.



end.

-

Update on 3rd March 2013:

Hello to you who might be reading/following this.. thank you for reading and your patience as I wrote this story.

This is actually my experimentation to a different style of writing (I am not a writer by profession/ i'm not from an "educated" literature background either); in a way, this was written as a reflection of reality and a confession of sorts.

For those of you who can relate or like this way of writing, I thank you for your time, comments, for liking and sharing. I do appreciate it. It actually kept me writing when I wanted to abandon the story.

So thank you, sincerely.

Perhaps I will write something of similar nature again someday; if you'd like to read my future writing, you can follow me if you want to and when I do.


Love,
Matthew Zachary Liu

yep, i know.... told you, it's worth your minutes isn't it?
i found his portfolio, here http://www.matthewzacharyportfolio.blogspot.sg/
amazing & stunning. he's busy living up his dreams and life.
he's going to be my daily read for sure. thanks Matthew for being such an inspiration
much love :)

appreciating the dead living

While having so much spare time in my hand, i decided to workout and put it on my daily routine list & actually it feels real good. this hit my mind because i realized going out and shopping all the time isn't a right thing to spend your time on. and thank God for i am living on the east coast part which means i get to go to the beach/park on foot, just 3 blocks away from my place. SICK! therefore, i won't let this very rare and precious opportunity slip out of my fingers, i need to make the best out of it. that's why i have committed myself to cycle at least once a week, for at least an hour non-stop. yeah, that's gonna get to my thighs! :D
on top of that, i have also committed myself to workout in my room daily, yes daily. no matter how busy i am.. doing burpees, sit-ups, abs workout, & pilates is gonna be my daily meal. surprisingly, i feel really good about this, i meant obviously it takes a real huge commitment and motivation to keep these things on and on till it turn to our habits but i am so willing to do this. i have also been eating "clean" for these past few days, been avoiding having white rice and fries. haha, real hard but gonna suck it up for the sake of healthy life.

during my cycling trip, i took some dope photos that i want to share with you guys.

GOD IS SIMPLY MAGICAL

because there is nothing more beautiful than the way ocean refuses to stop kissing the shore line no matter how many times it is sent away

"ocean and shore are things which are able to bring me back into the state of peace"

see you guys in my next post

much love 

destiny, one, two, three !

so, i have been very slacking these past 2 days because i'm just free from my schedule (HECTIC days are yet to come yo!) and during my spare time, i just browsed around the internet, logged into some various accounts that i have (i have so many, ugh..) & as always Pinterest never fails to amaze me. as i went through different kinds of images, i was reminded that i am truly such a wanderlust.

OKAY, if you have no idea what wanderlust means, i'm gonna give you a couple of hints. take a look :)

alright, maybe it does not literally mean to travel without a map, haha. but you got the idea right?

yes, wanderlust is a noun describing the urge to travel, to understand one's very existence.

i don't know about you guys but for me personally, travelling gives me a legit distinct satisfaction as if it fits my genes, haha. but if any of you seems to be a wanderlust, i dare you to travel, on your own, or better yet with your significant others. :) go make your list, of the very places you DESPERATELY want to visit, save up your money, and then book a ticket and FLY. that simple. you and i in this together!
let our heart feels the beauty of nature before it stops beating, alright?