don't let your judgment clouds the truth because then you will miss out a chance to know the truth. the truth may be ugly but i can guarantee you that you will never regret the chance for knowing the truth itself. your judgment may not be true but you lost the chance for knowing the truth in life. so what you think may sometimes not be true. just one thing stay true to yourself. when you experience life, along the way you may not find anyone who can handle the true self of yours but do you know that at the end it is only left with you. you are only left with yourself and you're gonna be proud of yourself only, proud of the ugly self of yours because at the end of the day you realize how many mountains you have conquered and how much pain you have taken and then you realize how amazing you really are despite all the ugly truth about yourself.

God, do you know something?

i love that guy very much. and now it seems that my honesty is the reason why.

it's like you came into my life, taught me how to love for real. you made me realize that i was ready for real love and it was with you. most of all you have changed me, for good. something that i thought i would never be able to do. i have passed it through, that was all because of you. and each passing day, i fell harder and harder for you. i mean it. i let myself loss. i let both of us learn, i let both of us become one. and we both know, we both so know that it was not easy at all, and we both so know that we sacrificed a lot. like a lot. we got into a way harder situation, more than we both ever thought. and this time, we got lost in the situation, we aren't lost in love anymore, we lost in some unclear situation. what a shame. i never wanted to stop fighting for you, you know that. this time, i really let myself stand still and see how much more i can take. i am not quitting, my love. you were. would you turn your face and see how beautiful were we? are you okay for letting something so beautiful go? i don't understand.

I LOST MYSELF. AND I'M SO STRESSED. OH PLEASE, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

is this a mistake that i'm making ? everything just seems to crumble down on me. i got this feeling that i am positively over thinking and this is killing me. but i can't seem to control my own thought, this is torturing. i wish i could escape from this, here where i am so deeply in love and nothing much i can do. i wish i could pick myself up because i can't see anyone else to help me. something i will not understand. and i swear he is the only thing i put this much effort and time on. and every time i recall the words i have thrown, i will be just like stunned. like how come? this is too much but it looks like i am just standing here to see how much more i can take. will i ever give up ?

it's like when you start ignoring all these things is when the miracle happens. miracle may not talk about an absolute change, it may not talk about how things suddenly turn into what you just imagine and how you wish it was. but honestly, it's about how you see these and be grateful for that as the best thing that ever happened to you. things may not change forever, but being grateful for whatever you have is a miracle. i may not have as much courage but i'm just hoping that oneday i'll be grateful for this and let God's will be done not mine. i'm not the owner of myself. sometimes, well most of the times i feel like probably it will be much better to live alone so i don't need to care about what others gonna think about me, about how i look, about what i wear, so i don't live up to their expectation and just think about myself and focus on myself. i think that way most of the time in my life how things would be easier without thinking about anything else except yourself and make yourself happy in the end. but then i think all over again. you can't live without others, you can't live with only yourself. that is a shame. if i put myself in a worse condition than what i'm going through right now, i probably will not have anything to live for. i can't imagine how am i gonna handle that if i'm not even able to handle this little thing. i am so proud of them and i feel like a loser because i can't handle myself. i don't need things to change, all i want is myself to change to be grateful. that's all i need i guess , God. others may not accept me, even those who i love but the truth is You're alone are faithful.

7112011

i feel empty. i feel unhappy even when my surrounding seems to be fabulous. am i thinking too much ? or is this what i'm really feeling ? i have noone . trust me noone . i don't know what i need. i have no idea whether i need someone or home or whatever. i just feel like crying most of the times. i have heaps of things going on my mind. my study, my friendship, my family, and yeah my relationship. why does this have to be so complicated? i can't handle it. im trying to make things the way how it was used to be. im feeling the weight of all these on my shoulder and its killing me. i guess i've seen enough. i can only talk to you really. im losing the spirit in me. trust me im trying so hard. so hard.

okay im not gonna waste anymore time left, bye.

i promise myself that from today onwards, i will not give my ego even the slightest chance possible to ruin what we have built so far, it will not be worth it at all.

i am truly sorry for all of my stupidity and egoism that have controlled me lately and ended up making you sad.

it was killing me even more to knew that you were hurt because of what i said.

seandainya aja , gag ada jarak diantara kita. pastinya pertengkaran ini gag akan terjadi. semua karna situasi dan jarak. jarak yang buat semuanya jadi tampak mencurigakan dan bersalah. dan jarak yang buat hampir segala sesuatu yang saya lakukan itu bersalah dan mencurigakan. andaikan aja kamu disini, kamu tau setiap langkah yang saya jalanin dan segala gerak gerik saya, kamu tau saya juga bukan main main tapi saya mengejar cita cita dan harapan orang terhadap saya. saya juga susah karna situasi, saya gag suka dituduh karna itu bukan kesalahan saya. rasanya uda cukup banyak tuduhan yang gag seharusnya ditujukan ke saya. dan sejujurnya saya capek aja, lelah aja sama semuanya itu.

this is not necessary at all .

bantingin kepala dan handphone, seems to be the best thing to do right now.

For everything there is a season. When you finally found the one, you are given a wrong situation and circumstances. When you finally made up your mind, once again things go wrong and all these efforts seem to not go together. Why? For everything there is a season.

Learning how to survive in a wrong situation, learning how to get things right when actually there is nothing much we can do about it.

Why?

Everything seems to fall together at once, i have no clue whether this is better or my nightmare is just turning to a bitter reality in life. Or maybe, just maybe things fall to the right place which is unknown for me. Place where i don't belong to, place where is strange for me. Could it be that i am going there?

But why?

Is this one of those stages in life that you must go through to finally arrive at your own death?

Because it is very clear for me that i never choose to be on this pathway, to be in this journey.

But i am just being set to.

......For everything there is a season....

i'm back again now. this past week has been one of the most difficult week i have ever needed to go through. and i gotta face it alone. but gladly i didnt go through it on my own. God has been very blessing to me by sending me someone who's faithfully gonna stay by my side well not literally but you know what i meant. distance may keep us away from each other but distance is not gonna weaken my feeling for him. i have been sick, i have lost my phone again, and i have been announced about my subject grade. everything seems ridiculous to be honest, but i trust God. i know God has something beyond this, i know there is a good sign beyond the pain i am having now. i'm not gonna let God go, no matter how hard the situation may seem. but my life exists just purposely to serve Him right. i happened to get down for a moment, that's normal, because i'm just a human. everything seems to turn their back on me. i happened to almost give up, it was such a shame! i can't give up, i've get this far. i'm halfway there, why should i give up? but all i really want know is just time to pass really fast, because this is just too painful! God, i only have You, so please don't ever leave me in whatever situation. let me have new faith and hope in you, please renew my heart because i'm coming now with my broken heart. i need You shine on me God, shine on me.

! BOOYA !

hello my lovely reader. what's up? :) I have this very exciting news that now i'm working as a part-time waitress in one local cafe nearby my place. how awesome is that? haha honestly, i'm kinda proud of myself for being this strong. all thanks go to Jesus.

so, let me tell you a little idea about my work. as this is my very first ever work in my life, i was kind of nervous probably you could tell it from my face?! well of course if you were here :P

so yeah, i learned pretty alot. i tried to build up my confidence, served the customers, and did some cleaning though i'm still not used to everything especially when i am told to do some stuff.

well, this is a quite major step i even took in my life, i guess? but i am really enjoying this. and i am satisfied of it.

i hope this experience will teach me and get me wiser to just manage my life. and i will probably use my own money to buy something i dream of which is obviously CAMERA! i swear im gonna get it by 2011 :) and i will!

alright, that a little bit sneak peak of my work kinda day. now, i wanna talk something about my personal life.

i realized that nowadays im getting sick of facebook and getting more into tumblr. it's like once i'm logged into facebook, scroll down my home page, and i just end up saying "BORING SHIT". err, kinda rude i guess but seriously i'm getting sick of it. while in tumblr, i can get inspired by all the pictures, quotes, and whatever in it. actually, im getting more eager to buy my own camera because of tumblr as well. as i see alot of nice taken photo, i always tell myself that someday i will be able to take photos that are not any less awesome than these. :)

and yeah, im thinking of posting on both of my blog everyday. this blog and my new photography-fashion-beauty blog which i will link below.

PHOTOGRAPHY-FASHION-BEAUTY

go check it out if you are interested in any of those three stuff ;)

it is still kinda empty since i just made it two days ago and i'm still trying so hard to make it more interesting and of course getting follower since i still have no follower on that blog :(

do any of you guys have idea on how can i get more follower? actually, im thinking of asking favor for shoutout for my blog. but yeah, still working on it.

im trying to give my best.

ANYWAY, i told you guys that im also thinking of making a scrap-book right? it is basically just gonna be the book of my life :) i'm gonna put everything i made in it just to be a real good memory. still working on it and i guess it wont be finish until i die? haha

just having some brilliant ideas in my head that i really cant wait to launch it. hehe

oh ya by the way, if any of you guys wanna ask me anything, you all can go to my formspring page. check it out here. i would love to answer anything and probably give some advice to your problem :)

soooo, yeah i think that's all i wanna say for now. i will keep updating my blog as often as possible. and definitely check my other blog, alright?

love y'all

Jessica xx

! BOOYA !

Hi blogger. yes, i know. sorry for my lack of posting.

disappear for awhile but no worries

i'm BACK now !

and this time, i have this massive great feeling about myself :) yay me!

well, i came up with few ideas that i tend to start off by 2011

so basically, the first one is obviously keep updating my blog. second, as photography is just my passion in life, i gotta grab my own camera.

( saving up money is in progress but i'm pretty sure i'll get mine by 2011 )

third, this new idea just came up awhile ago to make a scrap-book. its a very fresh idea though, but im gonna try and go for it since i guess its a quite brilliant idea to treasure the memories :)

check out this song - can't get enough of it

Owl City ft. Shawn Chrystopher - Alligator Sky

# Letting go the stress, Screaming as if there is no tomorrow, Snapping every single thing you see, Wonderful and Memorable day in Universal Studio Singapore

# Smile while you still have tooth, Enjoy while you are still alive

so yeah, just a very quick head up. will surely post more.

ttyl xxx

Jessica~

so, what up blogger?

i know.. i havent blogged in long time. i miss you guys. i havent crapped for sucha long time. and now im so bored here and i decided to blog and talk to yall. i know, and i do realize that probably noone will ever check out or even know my blog. but aww, whatever. as long as im happy, i dont really care about this lol. and i really do happy when im talking to yall

seriously

so, great news! im officially a bachelor student naww, PSYCHOLOGY of course haha. i know i know, its kinda out of the line from whatever shit i have told you long ago. that i want to pursue career in design or photography or whatsoever. of cos, i will not give up design since its like my freaking desire that i really wannabe. but psychology isnt that bad though :) i kinda like it since the first class. i got the feeling that its gonna be an awesome and coolest job i will ever do. i've got this freaking cool idea, after i graduate imma find a job *of cos. then imma work for like 2 years probably, then imma go somewhere else. obviously not singapore, ive got this feeling that singapore is only just my stepping stone so i have this really huge and strong feeling of moving to australia. IM NOT AFRAID. i meant eventhough i gotta start everything all over again from the start i really dont mind it. i admit it im kinda an adventurous girl, its actually a limit from my parents that kinda stuck me with this situation.

ok one thing, i actually cant get a job since im a student pass holder here in singapore. but yeah fuck it. i dont really care, im planning to get a job, earn money, i wanna do something valuable for living. ive been offered a job as a waitress in one cafe where my cousin is in. i was so freaking interested and excited until the time my mom gave me sucha long lecture about bla bla. yes, about the huge risk that imma take once im working there and all those creepy shit.

my mom actually has no idea what kind of daughter that she has. im a risk-taker MOM. really i am.

i told you i wanna have the best of both worlds just like hannah montana, well not really. i wanna have the best of million worlds possible. i just have one freaking life and i gotta do all, everything it is. ive told ya, i wanna be at the edge of death just to feel the excitement, the regret of not doing what i havent done when i was still alive and surrounded by everyone i love, the feeling of screaming till u just get your lung out of your body, the feeling of that the-fastest-beat that u will ever had only once in your life more than when you get on your first kiss or your first sex. yeah, i wanna feel that. yes that.

im a crazy girl as yall cud probably tell, but im a fun girl, dont worry.

i wonder whether there is someone who is just like me, crazy as me or probably crazier than me. im so gonna meet them and be friend, not just friend. be soulmate seeing that we both wud be match and perfectly together. i believe that someday i will find that someone whos gonna.. u know.. understand who am i.. who the truly me, more than my mom even.

i have sucha long way to go right infront of me. its like everynight i can really picture it right infront of me, that very long path, the straight way, the bright road. and its not only me alone, ive got Jesus with me, right beside me. or probably not, he is like everywhere u know, he is beside me to accompany me to everywhere the hell i go, just to remind me that im really not alone in this life journey. i can see Him infront of me, guiding me, and warning me whenever there is a hole or a little tiny stone which i cant even see it. He is like the most shining light who always brighten up my day, my night, warm up my cold night and darkness. and sometimes i can see Him right behind me, ready to hold me whenever i seem to fall, and he always guides me. and weird i can also see Him infront of me, give me blessing and wisdom and all. i love Him, he is the most loyal figure that ive ever known.

ew, my story goes weirdly. this is me when i allowed to speak. HAHA

so, back to the line.

gosh, i lost the idea man. cos im chatting with some of my friends and i just lost. lol

okay so.. ive just done something really stupid. so here it is. i have twitter acc, which is followed by some guy named dennis hegstad. so, i followed him back and he sent me DM to follow another of his account, i did. and guess what turned out. he is a freaking public figure, i meant some sort of shane dawson kinda thing. it actually kinda broke my heart. cos i was thinking that i was probably able to be friend with him. it was way before i found out that hes actually a public figure. so not a single chance, anyway screw it. but i just dont know why my mind keeps thinking about this dennis hegstad things. who the hell is he. -.-

okay moving on..

hmm.. idk what to talk about now. kinda lose all the majestic ideas since the incident that just happened :/

so i guess i'll see yall later. bye xo :)

iloveyouwhoeverreadsthis. trustme,im not lying.