don't let your judgment clouds the truth because then you will miss out a chance to know the truth. the truth may be ugly but i can guarantee you that you will never regret the chance for knowing the truth itself. your judgment may not be true but you lost the chance for knowing the truth in life. so what you think may sometimes not be true. just one thing stay true to yourself. when you experience life, along the way you may not find anyone who can handle the true self of yours but do you know that at the end it is only left with you. you are only left with yourself and you're gonna be proud of yourself only, proud of the ugly self of yours because at the end of the day you realize how many mountains you have conquered and how much pain you have taken and then you realize how amazing you really are despite all the ugly truth about yourself.

God, do you know something?

i love that guy very much. and now it seems that my honesty is the reason why.

it's like you came into my life, taught me how to love for real. you made me realize that i was ready for real love and it was with you. most of all you have changed me, for good. something that i thought i would never be able to do. i have passed it through, that was all because of you. and each passing day, i fell harder and harder for you. i mean it. i let myself loss. i let both of us learn, i let both of us become one. and we both know, we both so know that it was not easy at all, and we both so know that we sacrificed a lot. like a lot. we got into a way harder situation, more than we both ever thought. and this time, we got lost in the situation, we aren't lost in love anymore, we lost in some unclear situation. what a shame. i never wanted to stop fighting for you, you know that. this time, i really let myself stand still and see how much more i can take. i am not quitting, my love. you were. would you turn your face and see how beautiful were we? are you okay for letting something so beautiful go? i don't understand.

I LOST MYSELF. AND I'M SO STRESSED. OH PLEASE, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

is this a mistake that i'm making ? everything just seems to crumble down on me. i got this feeling that i am positively over thinking and this is killing me. but i can't seem to control my own thought, this is torturing. i wish i could escape from this, here where i am so deeply in love and nothing much i can do. i wish i could pick myself up because i can't see anyone else to help me. something i will not understand. and i swear he is the only thing i put this much effort and time on. and every time i recall the words i have thrown, i will be just like stunned. like how come? this is too much but it looks like i am just standing here to see how much more i can take. will i ever give up ?

it's like when you start ignoring all these things is when the miracle happens. miracle may not talk about an absolute change, it may not talk about how things suddenly turn into what you just imagine and how you wish it was. but honestly, it's about how you see these and be grateful for that as the best thing that ever happened to you. things may not change forever, but being grateful for whatever you have is a miracle. i may not have as much courage but i'm just hoping that oneday i'll be grateful for this and let God's will be done not mine. i'm not the owner of myself. sometimes, well most of the times i feel like probably it will be much better to live alone so i don't need to care about what others gonna think about me, about how i look, about what i wear, so i don't live up to their expectation and just think about myself and focus on myself. i think that way most of the time in my life how things would be easier without thinking about anything else except yourself and make yourself happy in the end. but then i think all over again. you can't live without others, you can't live with only yourself. that is a shame. if i put myself in a worse condition than what i'm going through right now, i probably will not have anything to live for. i can't imagine how am i gonna handle that if i'm not even able to handle this little thing. i am so proud of them and i feel like a loser because i can't handle myself. i don't need things to change, all i want is myself to change to be grateful. that's all i need i guess , God. others may not accept me, even those who i love but the truth is You're alone are faithful.

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i feel empty. i feel unhappy even when my surrounding seems to be fabulous. am i thinking too much ? or is this what i'm really feeling ? i have noone . trust me noone . i don't know what i need. i have no idea whether i need someone or home or whatever. i just feel like crying most of the times. i have heaps of things going on my mind. my study, my friendship, my family, and yeah my relationship. why does this have to be so complicated? i can't handle it. im trying to make things the way how it was used to be. im feeling the weight of all these on my shoulder and its killing me. i guess i've seen enough. i can only talk to you really. im losing the spirit in me. trust me im trying so hard. so hard.

okay im not gonna waste anymore time left, bye.