merci 2012

hello guys,
so today is the last day of 2012 and 5 hours to go till we come into a whole new year of 2013.
to be honest, 2012 has been the most amazing year in my life. ups and downs, laughs and cries, everything.
i would love to thank God for everything He has done to me, all the processes, all the lessons, all the promotions, all the favour He poured upon me in 2012.
i would love to thank my family for always supporting me and providing me with everything that i need.
i would love to thank my homies in Singapore, Mardiani, Steffy, Winnie, Priscilla, Natanael, Stefanus, WW, Budhi, Kiwanto, Gracia for making this 2012 so unforgettable.
i would love to thank all of my oldies back in my  hometown and Jakarta. to Hery, Evi, Louis, Teja, Yuki, Clement for still being with me until this very point of time.
i would love to thank my sisters in Christ, Lilys, Shinta, Lena for always loving me unconditionally.
i would love to thank all of my family in Christ in Singapore, eventhough we have only known each other for awhile but you all help me to grow and most importantly to get back closer to God.
i would love to thank my best buddy of all time, Sarath for caring about me, and loving me from the very first time we knew each other back in 2010.
this 2012 would never be how it is now without these beautiful and lovely people in my life. i have no idea what future holds for me and everyone, but my wish is to keep you all close in my heart and in my life.

and not forget to mention, THANK YOU so much December for ending this year so amazingly and beautifully..
1/31 It was a great day welcomin Dec, DOPE xmas celebration,DOPE friends, DOPE ministry, AMAZING God. December has put a smile on my face fosho:)
2/31 great fellowship with friends & i've committed myself to hit the bed every night with a real big smile on my face throughout December:) 
3/31 jerks be ruining one-of-my-days-so-far. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. still a real big smile before heading off:)
4/31 not-so-good-day, but really though there are seriously some stuffs you should just keep to yourself alone. Okay not real big but yeah:)
5/31 today is a blessing for me. its good to be able to feel the purest form of joy again, after sometimes. A real big smile for tonight:)
6/31 i guess i've done some good deeds today. thanks God for the opportunity. i might be exhausted with what's happenin, but I'm#grateful:)
7/31 tough day,exhausting day, frazzled and stuffed up yet great fellowship, spreading love, and alive. Nothing else than being#grateful:)
8/31 it was truly the day of rest after working my ass off for a week. spent lovely time with lovely people& of course nothing more to ask:)
9/31 fun day, got to shop some awesome stuffs, and spent quality time with one lovely girl. Girls time is the best:)
10/31 thanks for reminding me once again that outside of You, nothing is ever gonna be okay, nothing is ever gonna go as expected.:)
11/31 no secret sin, i just wanna be transparent and walk with You. great and productive day:)
12/31 glad that I could help those in need, tiring day yet #grateful as always. Finally, resting time. Thanks GOD:)
13/31 one more wound. Good day as usual&pembelaan cuma dari Tuhan:)
14/31 despite everything, life goes on and if you put just a little effort to stop for a minute, there's always somethin to be thankful of:)
15/31 fun day with my family in Christ. eventhough i'm left with 15days, You never fail to love me, and with You i walk through the valley:)
16/31 a very blessed day, able to share some good stuffs with my family in Christ. and gonna meetup with an important person real soon.YAY:)
17/31 met oldie, made me realize that we shall cherish the person we really care about before its too late, let them know they're loved.:)
18/31 you may have them forever, you may lose them forever and not even as a stranger. I can see myself growing up now, um yeah.:)
19/31 if I could blame one thing, that would definitely go to psychology.
21/31 DOPE day. early surprise from my beautiful babies@mardianiPS & @WinnieIllona & all of fellow mentors. I know today is gonna be great!
22/31 beyond all my imperfections in life,all my process, all my never-ending troubles,i'm perfect to have the most amazing ppl in my life:)
23/31 DOPE day after the best birthday.had a real good time with fellow, cycling in east coast park. December isn't done surprising me yet:)
24/31 probably the most exhausting day of my life, can literally feel my heart is jumping out due to tiredness and happiness. (cont.) 24/31 one of the precious nights that i will never forget. ups and downs, cries and laughs, we went through it together. i love you homies.

quick update #2

hey guys, i feel its been awhile since the last time i posted something here. quick update: i've been really busy lately with my schooling, my ministry and my projects which is why i rarely update my blog..
so 16 days have passed by since the coming of December and praise the Lord, for each and every day i have lived in December, there is always grace of God given to me and i can't ask for more.
it's pretty sad though that 16 days have passed by which means i am only left with 15 more days in this 2012. there are loads of things happened in this 2012 and God has taught me a lot of new things that i never expected i would be able to learn. to be honest, 2012 is one unforgettable year for me.
so i guess, this is just some other quick update from me. i PROMISE, PROMISE there are some cool stuffs coming up at the end of this 2012. :)
thanks guys xx

quick update #1

hi guys, so i'm back from my hometown. i was away for about 5 days, due to some health problem.
and now i'm scared that it's actually getting worse. i've consumed antibiotic prescribed by my doctor for 5days and now i stopped consuming that but my body as the result feels weak. i don't know why things like this always happen to me, SUCKS.
but on the other side, i've tried to lift up my spirit and train my mind to not be overwhelmed by my health. loads of things need to be done and i'm gonna get it done despite all these.
hopefully God is still with me through this end of 2012. i hopelessly need You so much.
xx

take all of me

today, i realized that i do need rest.. rest from all of this ongoing processes of thinking, rest from all worries that are rooted inside my head, rest from all fears that creeping into my heart day by day.
today, i asked God to take some weights out of my heart. because i just can't go on with all these burdens in me. i told God that it is starting to become too heavy for me.
and i know He did take them, in fact He took more than i asked. and again, i gave up my life to say that i need Him, more than anything in this world.
i  love You
all of my hope is in You
Jesus Christ take my life, take all of me
xx

again, process

these past 2 weeks had been a real process for me. been down with flu about 2 weeks ago, and now im down with gum and throat inflammation, which makes it really painful to bite or even swallow. it truly sucks being sick, because then i can't do anything about it, except resting myself for the whole day and postpone every single thing that i need to do. well, im starting to see how workaholic i really am and how guilty i am for escaping from my routine.
apart from that, i've been struggling quite a lot lately which makes it even harder to go through the day. thankfully, God never fails to show me that He is always with me even when it is almost impossible to believe that there is actually someone who is willing to stay with me in this time of life. and by His grace, i'm still able to go through my process. however, despite every process that i am going through right now, i can again be reminded when i am drifting away from God, that everything is not alright. and this is just one way of Him asking me to seriously surrender everything and let Him write the narrative of my life.
err, i guess that is it. i promise that i'll start posting some cool stuffs here. hopefully i will get fit real soon.
xx

these girls

These girls that have been beaten up to their knees..,

They always seem so strong and tough in any weather, in fact they have no shoulder except Jesus

Funny how everyone wonders and asks themselves "how can they be so strong?"

Without even knowing that these girls, their only resource is the one up there 

They don't rely on mortality, they aim for eternity

They started this journey in doubt, they learned in the vicious way, but they came off courageous

They made gallant efforts to pull themselves back together after each storm

They have been torn apart, they know what is nasty, filth and low

They have been there

on the flipside

They tried to touch people with love, different kind of love

Even though it is not rare for them to discover that their love for people always win at the end

They actually can't love themselves more than they love others

Their hearts are simply too weak to resist the need for showing what is love to those who are unfortunate enough to ever feel the delicate beautiful touch of love

And their love for people is just a little too much to leave those people they love, that way

They can keep on walking with one leg injured, but they can't see those people they love, walk in that condition

They don't mind sacrificing as long as those people they love, know how to live a true life

come up or stay back

today was a totally exhausting day for me. and i am really in need of physical, spiritual and emotional recharge. however, i feel so blessed today because i got to spend some quality times with my buddies in uni, and had some great time in skype with someone i miss a lot, and additionally @teracarissa just blessed me with her great tweets, as always.
here are some of her tweets that may bless you too ! :)

You TEACH people how to treat you. if you want my time, you MUST come up to the level of respect i deem acceptable. if not, carry on ! at some point though, you need to kind of look at yourself and ask this question : why am i attracting disrespect? what about ME that says its okay to disrespect me? you need to have some self evaluation. because honestly, if it is not you who stands up for yourself, who else is gonna do you the favor? and if there is one legit lesson that i've learned, that would be to finally admit that i can't change people, no matter how far i sacrifice myself for them, no matter how much of the time i put on them just to try to talk things out. i admit that, the furthest and biggest favor i could ever done to people is just to tell them the truth and love them, there is no way i can change them. because real change has to come from within. i'm glad i finally got this point across through this post. frankly, it took me hell to realize this.

you can't change people, you MUST work on yourself. you are the one who set the requirements and standard for your life.

on the other side of this post, i need to keep in mind what @teracarissa has highlighted that being nice is not the same as allowing someone to mistreat you, mislead you, abuse you or disrespect you. you need to discern the difference. and some of us need to tell ourselves this: i'm raising the level of expectation for MY LIFE. come up or stay back. my requirements are non-negotiable. one more thing worth knowing and remembering is that you're not losing when you cut negative influence out of your life. you're gaining because in fact you're making room for positive ones.

I totally acknowledge the fact that this is one of those easy-to-tell-but-hell-to-do kind of things, and some of you may be in bondage to disrespectful people and your constant acceptance of it tells them that what they are doing is okay, and this is extremely WRONG. one important thing to emphasize is that to NEVER let them feel that they are right, and that they are in control of your self-esteem no matter who they are or who they THINK they are.
finally, learn how to tell people: you are welcomed in my life when you can ACT like you got some senses. if you don't have any, at least ACT.

here's the link to @teracarissa profile, follow her if you want https://twitter.com/teracarissa
but personally, she has blessed me with her tweets and i'm glad i have this wise woman on my timeline ;)
with love, xx

you're my blood, i'm a champion, bad enough?

"but somewhere along the lines, you change. you stop being you, you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're not good and when things got hard, you start to look for something to blame like a big shadow. let me tell you something you already know, the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. its a very mean and nasty place and i don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. you, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. but it ain't about how hard you're hit. its about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much you can take and keep moving forward. that is how winning is done. now if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth but you gotta be willing to take the hits and not point your finger says you ain't where you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. cowards do that and that ain't you! you're better than that. i'm always gonna love you no matter what, no matter what happens, you're my son, you're my blood. you're the best thing in my life but until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."


"defeat, retreat those are not in my words. i don't understand those definitions, i don't understand when things go wrong, i don't understand mistakes. but i do understand this, i understand victory and i understand never surrendering. no matter how bad things go. my heart and my mind will carry my body when my limbs are too weak. history will remember me and i will not have to worry about him being kind. i will define myself, i will write my own praises and no one will tell me what i can and cannot be. i will never go home, not without giving everything i have got."

this made me realize, that i have to want it MORE. I NEED TO WANT IT BAD ENOUGH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-i3g-RvC-iA&feature=related

rising up defeats unfairness

first of all, HEEEEEEEHHHHH *DEEPSIGH*
alright, its been a very tough week for me. good things happened, bad thing happened, still i am so grateful for being here now typing this post :p
alright let me start with the good things first.
1. i'm DONE with #LIGA2012 . i was basically in charge for the live-tweeting during the LIGA which is the sport tournament kind of thing by PPIS. and i was appointed to be in charge for 2 weeks and i'm done with that. YAY !
2. i'm DONE with my very first FA Fruity Project. so basically, we opened a booth yesterday, selling stuff that we made and we bought from Indonesia. even though, we did not meet the profit goal we set beforehand, we still sold quite a lot of stuffs. and for me personally, i feel so blessed because through this project we can actually be a blessing for the unfortunate. and that is truly a beautiful thing.
3. i'm DONE with my mentorship orientation. around 2 weeks ago, i went for JCU new term orientation and i was there for this so called "mateship program" that we made up. basically what i did here was just being a friend /  mate for a group of new students in JCU. what i did was helping them with problems that they might find, guiding them whenever they stuck and stuff. well, i'm actually not DONE yet because i'm still gonna be their mate for the whole one semester :/

moving on with the bad thing. there is actually just one bad thing, and after considering it for few times, i'm not gonna take it as bad thing no more. well, it looks as though its a very bad thing, but idk, i just learned to focus on the rainbow that comes after the hurricane ;)
today the announcement for last semester final exam is out, and yeah i did pass all the 3 subjects i took. BUT, the results were not as expected. what i thought was that, after putting that much effort last semester, i deserved more. that was my thought, probably that was not what in God's mind. and that's fine.

i let myself stay down there for awhile, kind of letting the disappointment to take control over me for some times, apologized to my parents for not meeting my promise. and yeah, it felt painful.
but on the other side of the matter, i can see God is truly faithful. He sent me amazing friends, amazing family, and amazing partner to be there for me even though what i really needed was only God. they all were very motivating and encouraging, just like what you needed when you felt helpless. one of my amazing buddy sent me this video.
HERE'S THE LINK, GO WATCH IT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GMrbseGssjA

when i was watching that, i got this voice in my heart saying that "it is indeed embarrassing to be down here, reminiscing how unfair life sometimes can be, but it is more embarrassing to stay down here, and not rising up"
and exactly in that moment, i decided to puff up my chest , stretch my neck and overcome the nasty, the mean and the UNFAIR. i decided to prove to myself that i want more than this.
it was such a relief, to be able to get up and try again. it is in fact a privilege to be able to try again :)
and i know, God wants me to impress Him even harder. i'm gonna nail it this semester.
THANKS LORD !
with love, xx

sometimes

sometimes, time let us to get way too close that it is harder to be apart from you than just being your friend
sometimes, time let us to realize how late we have been to actually have the gut to tell the truth
sometimes, time let us to realize that it is always been that one person all the time, when it is just too late
sometimes, time let us to have just this much
and now its the time that i realize, you're more than just who i have always thought of you

hectic weeks

Hey guys , just a real quick update ..
i'm sorry for being away for like 19days since my last post. these past weeks has been very hectic. fyi, i've been preparing myself for my 5th semester final exam. as usual, loads of stuffs to revise yet given so little time. that's the main reason why i haven't posted anything here on this blog and my second blog http://youthonjesuschrist.blogspot.sg/ . well, my last paper will be on 25th of september. which means 4 more days and i will be back for some good stories i've recreated.
one more thing, i'm gonna have my very first ministry ever here in Singapore tomorrow, which is 22nd of October. i and my other fellow dancers will be performing a contemporary dance in our youth service. i pray for our dance to be a blessing for all of the people that are going to turn up.

meanwhile , i have some cool snapshots i took w/ my homie Mardiani yesterday. been so stuffed up then we decided to wipe off the stress for a little while. have a look ;)

i'll see you guys soon in 4 days ...

love xx

i was born again

There are some moments in life, when we were hit by the thought of wishing that we could have been stronger. There are some moments in life, when the burdens and trials we were put on were just very overwhelming. There are some moments in life, when we feel very far-off from everyone whether it is family, friends, or even strangers. There are some moments in life, when we feel nothing is ever gonna get better.

i've been there. and there are few stages that i went through. first, anger. couldn't accept my situation, i went uneasy, i felt anger built up all the way from my head to my toes. i put the blame on someone who i thought was the best in my life, Jesus. yes, i blamed Him. i blamed Him for this stupid sickness that i was born with. i knew, i was totally wrong for doing that. yet, i was grateful that i did blame Him. because what? it made me realize even  more that He is TRULY THE BEST in my life.
second, depression. i felt unfair, i felt i was humiliated, i felt embarrassed. i felt lonely, i felt as if all my dark secrets were revealed. yes, i got depressed for quite awhile. i still remember the feeling when i just went cry and cry and cry and cry. i reached the point in which even tears couldn't tell the world how i felt. i went silent. and that was when all my depression released.
third, acceptance. i tried to hold on. kept telling myself that this was coming to the end. and i accepted myself as i am. first time ever in my life, i did it alone, yet TOGETHER with Jesus.
fourth, recovery. in this stage, sometimes the uneasy feeling went up and reached my point in which my tears burst again. but this time, the feeling was different. there was no more anger. it is the tears of acceptance. it is the moment of inviting the cure to work on me. it was the moment of facing my deepest fear.
fifth, new life. this was probably something that i have never seen it coming. this was the moment of pure joy. this was when VICTORY revealed itself. this was when i acknowledged that there was no effort went unavailing, if you surrendered it all to Jesus.

and guess what ? i am now in the fifth stage, new life. i feel new, i feel fresh. and most importantly, i've become someone that i needed to be, i went through something i was destined to go through. i was born again.

my week in the snapshot #1

ladies night out #2

another thursday night, which means another ladies night out with all my single ladies (Mardey, Steffy, and Priscilla) ;)
tonight we are planning to go to beer market which is obviously in clarke quay.
and yeah, we're gonna take loads and loads of pics.
i really hope tonight is gonna be DOPE since i was in the bad mood just now. hope beer market can boost up my mood !
cya guys later xx

when five fell , perfect reflection

feeling fallen out of love is never good. we fell in love , we fell out of love. everything falls.
and to get back up again, is never easy.
what makes the difference? what makes thing changes?
could you really show me? what is word? what is a kiss that feels so heavenly?
could you really show me?
if i could send up a wish .. could you love me just the same?

if you hold my hand, i'll be yours forever..
a simple promise. that's all i can offer. is it .. enough ?
it may be too late for me. it may be too late..

anyone can look from the distance.. the strangers can look from the distance..
what's so special about that?
but to know your scent, it means something special..
it means we've been close enough.. close than anyone else.
but when you don't want me, and it's just your scent.. with me.
i can only feel forgotten..
this is me.. am i a stranger now?

i'm afraid that the truth will break me.
but your kiss is so convincing.. that i might be the only one.

i miss the kind of feeling.. being in innocent love, pure love, true kind of love

and

everlasting love

YOYO

hello guys. i just got back from my night out w/ my girlfriends. :D and it was DOPE !

tonight was one of the best nights in my life. it was totally unexpected.

so the story went like this. we firstly had dinner in Song Fa Bak Kut Teh. it was fine in my opinion, i prefer the bak kut teh in Ion Orchard :p

after we had our dinner, we then headed off to clarke quay area.

five of us were looking for a pub called "Beer Mar

ket" when this guy approached us and gave us two free drink coupons each.well, at first we were not sure about this whole coupon guy thingy. but then, we decided to just go for it.

it was at Le Noir, one of the chillest pub in clarke quay. we got some free drinks. and it was fun.

i had so much fun, and i know all my girlfriends did too !

well, i can't tell much about the whole stories. but let the pictures we took explain the whole fun we had !

ME AND PRISCILLA <3 i="i">

SONG FA BAK KUT TEH :D

ms. Fortunatan, ms. Lolly, & ms. Prayogo

ms. Pietersz, ms. Lolly, & ms. Prayogo

 SCORE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE ARE YOYO TEAM

ME & ZAI ;)

lessons learned :)

A VERY-LATE POST BUT ..

13th June 2011 - 15th June 2012

thanks a lot , H .

mom's birthday and aquanova

Hi everyone,

so random post today. yesterday, 15th of August was my mom's birthday. i was quite sad that i couldn't be there with her. but all my prayers, thoughts, and wishes went to her! she told me that she was quite happy that my brother, William bought her some pieces of cake. hahaha. wish i was there. anyway, i knew that she got a great feeling for her birthday this year.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONCE AGAIN MOM. I REALLY LOVE YOU. and i'm still working on my future, before i get to make you happy and travel with you all over the world. :D

owh, this is thursday and of course tonight is GIRLS NIGHT OUT. so me, Mardiani, Steffy, Priscilla, and Gracia are going to Aquanova once again. Well, just to enjoy some good live music and cocktails ;)

photos will be up soon.

alright, i'm gonna get ready and dress-up. i'll post the story and all the photos asap.

love you guys xx

enjoyed the reality

hello beautiful people !
so, yup sorry for neglecting this lovely blog for quite awhile. its all because i've been really enjoying my REALITY. thank God FINALLY. hahaha.
yeah, the past 3 weeks was awesome. i had so much fun, i began to know how living life to the fullest really is. i have been working out which is pretty strange cos i am lazy ass girl. i don't really care about my body till the last 3 weeks. :D
and yeah . i had great food, i had so much fun. not to forget to mention about me and my other 3 girlfriends celebrating the national day of Singapore together. we had some great dinner, by the river, accompanied by the firework. we then headed off to a really cool pub nearby which really blew my mind. we enjoyed some really cool live music, and some cocktails ;)
for once in my life, i knew how to enjoy Singapore. hahaha.

here are some photos we took that i wanna share with you guys

i had loads of story to share though. you know what guys ? i really have this urge to visit US someday. no idea why, but i just do. well, i keep on praying everyday, hopefully i can have the chance to visit there. *fingercross*
what else, what else.. oh ! i have been regularly joining the dance rehearsal in my youth community which is a real dream-came-true for me :D now i don't have to get bored every sunday anymore. hahaha.
and yeah, i have also been joining to cell group in my youth community. so MANY great things happening to me. and all i can be is just GRATEFUL.
alright, guess that's all for now. i'll always update this lovely blog of mine. *promise* ^^

somebody that i used to know

now and then i think of when we were together

like when you told me you felt so happy you could die

i told myself that you were right for me

but felt so lonely in your company

but that was love and its an ache i still remember

you can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness

like resignation to the end, always the end

so when we found that we couldn't make sense

well you said that we would still be friends

but i'll admit that i was glad it was over

but you didn't have to cut me off

make it like it never happened and that we were nothing

i don't even need your love

but you treat me like a stranger and it feel so rough

no, you didn't have to stoop so low

have you friends collect your records

and then change your number

guess that i don't need that tough

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now you're just somebody that i used to know

now and then i think of all the times you screwed me over

had me believing it was always something that i'd done

but i don't wanna live that way

reading into every word you say

you said that you could let it go

and i wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that i used to know

living up your dream

hello guys i'm here today ! :D
i wanna share something really meaningful to me. umm, how shall i start this. so, let me tell you something.
being here in Singapore was always been my dream since i was in primary school i think. my parents have brought me here countless time since i was a kid. so basically Singapore is like my second home.
effort that i have made in order to living up my dream was totally a lot. i did a lot. i was so overwhelmed in the thought that i need to get an IELTS of 6, and it was pretty out of reach for me that time because my english was below the standard i would say. but you know what, i did pretty much anything i could do to really practice my language, my grammar, my vocabulary, my speaking and all that. i joined chatting room, i listening to loads of musics, i started to watch movie without any subtitle, and i tried to speak in english with my best friends. well, it seems easy, but trust me with the thought of moving to Singapore overwhelmed you, it was 100 times harder. hahaha
so yeah, i joined the IELTS preparation course twice a week. my dad always drove me to the course place. he always gave me support that i would never ever forget. i remember, that was on sunday morning that he woke me up for the course, i really would never forget how much support he has given to me. entering the end of my course which means entering the IELTS exam period, i was stressed. it was a big headache for me. like seriously, what i learned in my school meant nothing compared to IELTS. i was quite desperate actually. i spent loads of time practicing there, until late at night just to fulfill my dream of studying in Singapore.
to be honest, there are some reasons behind my dream of studying in Singapore. i can't really say it all here. but the thing is that, i am responsible for my parents. i meant, they depend a lot on me. not that i am unhappy because of that, but the burden is just too heavy for me. i must be succeed, well i NEED to be succeed. if not for me, at least for my parents. at least for my dad, who already spent a lot on me. i guess this is the only thing i can do to make them proud of me.
so i went for the exam, as usual, it was my dad supporting me in the car. he said that i am capable of doing this, and i trusted him. i went for the exam confidently, of course with the guide of Jesus. then there came the day of the result announcement. and praise God, i exactly got 6 for my IELTS, just enough to get into my dream university, James Cook University. i was grateful, i was joyful. for everything that God has done to me, everything that my parents has given to me. i am grateful.
so, that was basically one of the worst times in my life in which i had to sacrifice a lot. the next story i wanna share is probably the worst of all.
so, this happened to me like 3 to 4 months ago. i had allergy, and this is pretty bad. i have been suffering for pretty much my whole life. but i have made this part of me, so yeah i am not perfect. so around 3 to 4 months ago, it got worse and worse until it reached the peak point. it was the worst time of my life. you know what happened. everyday i wake up in the morning, standing in front of the mirror and just crying myself. everyday, i am crying myself to sleep. everyday i am ruminating. i wanted to die you know. i got nothing left, my burden is too heavy. i was thinking of suicide, cos i was really at the edge of my life. you know, that morning i cried, i decided to skip my morning class. but again, i stared at myself. and this little voice came into me " look at you, you are sick, you are not perfect. but look at you, you are here in Singapore living up your dream living up your parents dream. look at you, you have eyes you have brain and mostly you have the heart like Jesus. are you sure you want to give up right now ?". i was stunned, i looked at myself, i looked at how much pain i have been through, how much suffer i have been through. and i tell myself " sure, this is just another pain to go through, i wont die anyway". so, i wiped my tears away, and i went to class. with the pain and aches all over my body still i went.
a lot of times, i feel that i really am alone in this world. that is only because i was far from God. i won't forget the day the night i spent on crying on my pain and burden and stress and heartache.
i am strong because of God, he promised me he wont give anything i cant handle and im quite honored that he trusts me this far. i won't give up. i've been through worse. and see i survive.

" i came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. i came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise. to FLY"
i would never be able to do this without you God. to You be the glory !

hi guys, i know i know.. i've been so irresponsible about my blog. and i'm truly sorry for that, even though i'm not very sure that there is any soul reading my blog. LOL. so, what's been happening to me ? actually, a lot has been happening to my life. i'm pretty sure that this is just the time for me to make some changes in my life. i meant, huge change. i don't know. to be very frank, i have no idea what is going on in my life. i meant, see. i have made a lot of error in my life like literally. looking at my past, i know that i was not so serious and i was just trying to have fun, trying to live my life to the fullest just like anyone else of my age. but then i remembered that i got to one point in my life where i realized that i had to change, if not for me, for those whom i love. yes, i remember that night, when i let go of my past, my lonely pathetic life. see, i'm not perfect, at all. i've got flaws and weaknesses and i guessed i was just trying to grab attention, in which i could feel normal. and i was wrong. that's why i let go of my past, i let go of my error with the help of someone. someone i used to trust with my whole life, someone whom i hoped to spend my forever with, someone whom i wished to spend my not-perfect life with. let me share with you a bit of this someone..

this person was just an ordinary person, living in my heart, and meant much to me. i don't know why. from the very first time i knew him, i was captured. i felt something i've never felt. literally. something that made me feel so joyful. something that gave me hope for a better tomorrow. yes, he meant that much to me. i used to trust him, i told him everything about my past, my present, and my future because i just trusted him that much. furthermore, i told him something that i kept only to myself, something that i couldn't share with anyone else. i know, i'm just so visible to him. and without me realizing, he has taken most part of my life and my soul. and the worst part is that, i never knew that he would be the one to destroy me.
i'm so disappointed. people do change, and i knew that. i just never thought that he would be the one to crash me down. he is dead to me now. and i miss him. i really do. someone who was able to help me to have a faith for tomorrow, someone who told me not to be fearful for making an error and in fact learn from all of my mistakes, someone who encouraged me, someone who was capable of feeling how pathetic i felt. yes, i miss him. but he is dead to me now. and nothing i can do. i miss your soul, being so close to mine.
why did you leave me here alone ? you knew that i needed you, i've told you right. i've told you everything. you're such a liar for leaving me alone saying that you needed me. why did you have to go? and now my soul is missing you. we never really had that chance huh ? we never really had the chance to hold each other hand and screaming on the street like how you told me that day. i'm so disappointed by how well you promised me something so huge, yet you just died like that. you just gone. why? i'm not enough for you that you did not fight for me? why? well, i just want you to know that i really kept my promise.
guys, i've just lost someone who was so close to me probably more than anyone else. so, i am in the storm now. but i won't give up on my life. cos one thing i promised him was that i won't give up no matter how hard the situation is. trust me, i've been through a lot, and he wasn't there for me when i hit my lowest limit. anyway, i'm glad that i've been a lot stronger.
i guess i'll see you in another life .

i love the way his smile is. i love the way he eats. i love the way he laughs. i love everything about him so much that i can be in tear, knowing that i miss him so much. it hurts me like i have never been hurt before, when he left. i will never forget the way it made me feel. could see him standing right in front of me, could still see his beautiful face, but i just could not touch those fingers of him. that very moment taught me to be really strong. could not handle myself, i ran from his sight and i was overwhelmed in my tears. knowing really well that he is not gonna be around with me anymore. yes i truly hate separation. now i know how it feels to really want to see someone more than anything in this world. now i know how it feels when someone has already taken your heart for good. like when he is gone, part of you is gone, too. it is insane. and i know how it feels when you are too attached with someone mentally, you would give up anything in this life, literally anything. i can feel how real this feeling is, say that i overreact but i know that i am not forced to feel this way. not even a second gone without him staying in my mind. its funny to think of, when you finally found the one, there will always be something to break through. it definitely needs a lot of work through. feeling like i am the luckiest person in this world for having him as mine. someone who came out of nowhere, bringing you the new light in your darkness, showing you that you are worth loved just like any other, proving to you how you are really someone in his life, that is just the most incredible blessing a person could get. how come you would not give up anything for it? like every single time you see that face, you just can't forget every single wrinkle on it, you just can't forget every single curve on it, it is beautiful, he is beautiful. you are so happy that tear falls down. i love you, hermanfil.